


I'm Waiting on You

by bozothemoose



Category: Star Trek (2009)
Genre: Angst, Crossover, Dysfunctional Family, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-11
Updated: 2011-11-11
Packaged: 2017-10-25 23:13:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 22,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/275914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bozothemoose/pseuds/bozothemoose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Under all the Prada and Valentino, they're all more than a little screwed up. But they're figuring things out.</p>
<p>All 9 parts of my Gossip Girl AU.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Halloween

**Author's Note:**

> Not exactly linear storytelling, but I'm putting the chapters in the order they were written because it flows better imo.
> 
> There's underage drinking and references to (though no actual) underage sex throughout because it's Gossip Girl and they're poor little rich kids who act out for attention. I wrote this as a thinly-veiled excuse to put Bones in Prada over at jim_and_bones approximately a million years ago and I'm way too lazy to find the original post. It's ridiculously self-indulgent, but I hope you enjoy. Thanks to all the people who encouraged me along the way.
> 
> Title is from Fernando Pando by The Virgins.

Jim’s barely makes it through the entryway of the penthouse before he gets shoved into a closet.

As soon as his eyes adjust to the lower light, he grins down at his companion. “Why, Nyota, I knew I’d finally get to you someday.”

“Ugh, don’t call me that,” she sneers. As usual, she is pristine and unruffled, her hair loose but smooth and her gold dress shimmering in the light. “Apparently you didn’t get the memo that it’s a _costume party_.”

“The name’s Kirk. James Kirk,” he replies, adjusting his tux. “Look Uhura, if you’re not here to have your way with me, then the least you could have done is let me have enough time to get a drink.”

She crosses her arms and prevents him from escaping back to the hall. “Jim, it’s about Len.”

He’s about to point out the hypocrisy of her definition of _first-name basis_ when the words register. “What? I thought he wasn’t going to be here tonight. Isn’t he at that big dinner with the Darnells?”

Her brow creases in worry. “Yeah, but instead he showed up here ten minutes ago and headed straight for your scotch,” and adds, her lips curling in distaste, “In a costume that looks like it came from JoAnn’s Fabrics, no less.”

Jim starts to frown with her. “Where is he?”

“Last I saw, he was heading upstairs.” She puts a hand gingerly on his arm. “Look, Kirk, you’re a slut and an alcoholic-”

“Gee, thanks.”

“But for some reason, Len actually listens to you,” she barrels on. “I’m going to find Spock. Just…fix him, okay?” With one last meaningful stare, she slips back into the hall. Jim waits for a minute before he follows her, snagging a glass of champagne from a passing tray before taking the stairs two at a time.

He finds Bones in the second room he checks, sitting on a bed with a bottle of scotch next to him, looking miserable. The hideous costume only makes it worse.

“Bones! What have I told you about drinking alone, man?” Jim pastes a grin on his face and plops down next to his best friend. “It’s for people who can’t afford to have friends. Party’s downstairs, in case you missed it.”

“Jim,” Bones replies tiredly, not looking up from his drink. “Please. Not tonight.”

“All right,” Jim sighs. “You wanna talk about it?”

“Not really,” Bones snorts. “I think Gossip Girl has made every detail painfully clear by now.”

“You know I don’t read anything that bitch has to say,” Jim scoffs, clapping a hand on his shoulder. “Come on, Bones. I hate seeing you like this.”

He still doesn’t look up, but he draws his iPhone from his pocket and hands it wordlessly to Jim. Two seconds later, Jim’s looking in confusion at a picture of Jocelyn and-

“Clay _fucking_ Treadway,” Bones growls before tossing back another swallow.

“What the hell?” he squints at the screen. “What is she doing with that Trinity asshole?”

Bones falls backward onto the bed, covering his face with his hands. “Scroll down.”

Jim acquiesces, and is greeted by the entirely unwelcome sight of Treadway’s tongue down Jocelyn’s throat. “What the _fuck_?”

“That’s what I said.” Bones’ words are slightly muffled. “And you want to know the worst part? I was going to give her my mom's ring tonight.”

Jim feels slightly sick. “Bones-”

“I mean, what the fuck?” Bones sits back up sharply, his eyes wild with anger. “We’ve been together since- _forever_ , and she’s just going to shack up with some-”

“West side shithead?” Jim suggests. Bones growls again, and Jim suppress a shiver at the sound.

“What the fuck does he have that I don’t, huh?” Bones demands.

The words are pouring out of Jim’s mouth before he can stop him. “Look, Bones, it’s not your fault the dumb bitch can’t appreciate what she’s got. You’re a genius, you’re gorgeous, you’re a fucking _McCoy_ for god’s sake.” Jim slips a hand around Bones’ neck and the other boy leans into his touch. “And if she wants to throw that all away for a Treadway of all things, well then, that’s her problem.”

Bones finally looks up at Jim. The craziness is gone from his eyes, replaced by something else. “Thanks, Jim,” he says softly.

“No problem.” Jim ejects the perfect amount of light-heartedness in his voice as he pops up from the bed. “Now, let’s get downstairs before-”

His words are cut off as Bones surges up from the bed and smashes his lips to Jim’s. Jim’s mind short-circuits and is unable to do anything save for opening his lips under Bones’ assault.

The fact is, he’s wanted this for so long, and Bones has been driving him crazy for years and he’s not sure he can say no even though he _really, really needs to_.

Then Bones moves down to drag his lips across his jaw and Jim’s eyelids flutter as he fights the urge to just go with it. Instead, he manages to pant, “Bones… Bones, what are you doing?”

And Bones’ teeth nip at his earlobe and his voice is _right there_ and Jim can barely understand him through the fog in his brain. “Come on, Jim. You’re the champion of no strings attached. Surely you know a distraction when you see one?”

And yeah, Jim does. Problem is, he doesn’t want this to be one. That thought alone makes him take a step back.

“You want a distraction? Go talk to one of Gaila’s friends, or some bitch from Chapin, I’m sure they’ll be willing. Don’t fuck me because your girlfriend fucked you,” he snaps, straightening his tie and backing away. Bones’ face is shocked and confused and the fact that it still makes his stomach clench makes Jim want to hit something. “Yeah, I may be the master of the meaningless fuck. But guess what Bones? You’re my best friend. You’ll never be meaningless.” His stomach starts to churn and he grabs his glass, trying to hide his arousal and his embarrassment. “And get that fucking thing out of your hair, you look like a hippie,” he throws out before stomping back downstairs.

He wants to just go home, but he’s intercepted by the elevator by Uhura. “Well?” she demands.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Jim mutters, trying to dodge past her to hit the button. Unfortunately, the movement only draws her attention to his neck. Her eyes widen as his squeeze shut.

“Jim,” she says gently. “Jim, are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” he says. Suddenly he’s exhausted. “Nyota, just drop it. Go find Spock, I’m just gonna head home.”

The elevator dings open, but to his surprise, Uhura follows him in. “Spock already left, he has to study,” she explains. Jim can feel her eyes on him as the doors slide shut. As soon as they start to move, she moves in front of him and puts a hand on his cheek. “Jim,” she says, and she’s softer than he’s ever seen her before. “When I said to fix Len I didn’t mean you had to break yourself.”

“I think I’ve already been broken for a while now,” he admits, his voice cracking slightly. Uhura just nods and slides her arms around him, and Jim allows himself the thirty seconds to the lobby to just bury his face in her neck and wallow.


	2. The Winter Ball

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim may have forgiven Bones for Halloween, but he hasn't quite forgiven himself.

Len’s been waiting for almost two months now for the other shoe to drop.

Sure, Jim had casually brushed off the _incident_ at the Halloween party, but Len still feels something niggling at the back of his mind, something saying that everything is _not_ fine after all. He can’t quite put a name to what it is – Jim is still acting the same, and he knows he’s still Jim’s best friend, but…

Something is off now.

When he gets the call he hasn’t even thought about getting ready. He feels an anticipatory swoop in his stomach as he sees Jim’s name flash across his phone, then pushes it aside and picks up.

“Dammit, Jim, I’m getting ready, okay?”

“It’s not that.” Len can practically hear Jim pouting over the phone. “My mom’s back in town. She’s driving me crazy, I just want to know why she hasn’t left already.”

Len chuckles. “Maybe she got herself a local boyfriend this time.”

“Ugh. Whatever it is, I can’t stand it anymore. She’s just floating around, being all… _her_. I’m coming over there early, if I stay here any longer you’re going to have to send me to the Ostroff center before the night is over.”

“Come over here, then,” Len laughs. “And bring booze.”

“Bones,” Jim sounds offended. “Who do you think you’re talking to?”

“A whiny little brat who’s allergic to his own mother. Now get your ass over here.”

Ten minutes later, Jim comes breezing into his room, already dressed. He, of course, looks like the definition of perfection in his dark suit, grinning like a madman as he swings a bottle of scotch in his fingers.

Len can’t help but feel smaller next to him.

“Mind telling me why I have to go to this thing?” he grouches. “I thought I was done with this sort of shit when I dumped Jocelyn. It’s a school dance for God’s sake, what do I look like, _middle class_?”

Jim’s eyes are mirthful as they take him in, half dresses, slouching in his chair. “Bones,” he replies, handing him a glass of scotch, “I don’t think you could look middle class if you tried.” When Len accepts it, he continues. “And anyway, you’re coming along to keep me company. Gaila’s going to kill me if I don’t show.”

“Yeah? Well I don’t exactly want to sit around watching you hit on girls all evening either,” Len retorts. He gets a sour taste in his mouth at the thought of it.

Jim throws his hands up in surrender. “I won’t hit on any girl, I swear.” He pauses, thinking slightly for a moment. “Well, any girl except for Uhura. And you and I both know that’s not going anywhere, so I think that’s a valid exception.”

Len caves. He always does. “Fine. But you’re coming to that stupid luncheon my mom is having with that old guy from Dad’s company. I don’t want to have to sit through that alone either.”

“Done,” Jim chirps happily. “Now get dressed, you lazy shit. We have a school dance to get to.”

Later that night, as he watches Jim keep his hands and eyes respectfully to himself, he gets that feeling of expectancy again. Like any moment, the façade of their friendship is just going to crack down the middle and Jim’s going to look at him the same way he looked at him on Halloween – disgusted, hurt, and angry.

Instead, he turns and privileges him with a flash of his blinding smile. Len’s heart stutters at it before he can get a grasp of what’s happening. By the time he does, Jim’s already dragging him over to where Spock and Nyota are standing.

He doesn’t miss Nyota considering him thoughtfully when he and Jim reach him, but he can’t bring himself to think about it, too wrapped up in his own revelation. He gets a swooping feeling in his stomach again as Jim brushes against his arm, and he excuses himself to the bathroom with gritted teeth.

He splashes water over his face when he gets there, but that still doesn’t change anything. He stares miserably at his reflection, but it doesn’t offer any solutions. So he takes a deep breath, steels himself, then returns to the hall.

He’s just going to have to deal with the fact that he’s pretty sure he’s got a crush on his best friend.


	3. [Interlude] Three Birthdays

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three of Jim's birthdays, and the three people he spent them with.

Of everyone at Constance Billard and Saint Jude’s, only three people know that Jim Kirk’s birthday is _not_ March 23rd.

The Upper East Side expects Jim to celebrate his birthday even more enthusiastically than anything else, and he has no desire to draw attention to the fact that he has no interest in doing so. Since his mother never exactly threw any parties for him during his childhood, he took it upon himself to assign a new birthday for himself when he turned ten. His mother hadn’t noticed – she had been in Milan with her husband-of-the-moment. Jim had made sure she continued to stay out of the country every year after that until he moved into the suite three floors beneath her at fourteen. After that, he didn’t bother to hide anything at all. It wasn’t like she was going to come looking.

So every March, he throws a raging party, gets drunk out of his mind, and takes the hottest girl (or girls) in the room to bed. And every January 4th, he stays stone-cold sober and falls asleep on Bones’ shoulder.

Except for his fourteenth birthday.

That year, Bones finally works up the nerve to kiss Jocelyn at Nyota’s New Year party, and come the fourth, she’s dragged him off to her lair or whatever. That night, Jim gets shitfaced for the first time and calls Gaila.

Jim tells everyone that he lost his virginity in seventh grade to the visiting daughter of a foreign dignitary his mom had been dating. In reality, he lost it on his fourteenth birthday to one of his best friends.

He comes way too quickly and they get dressed and lay awkwardly next to each other after it’s over, staring at the ceiling.

“Sorry,” he slurs. “I’m drunk.”

“I can tell,” she replies lightly. “Don’t worry about it, Jim. Although I don’t think we’ll be doing this again.”

“Yeah, s’probably not a good idea,” Jim agrees. “You’re like, my bff. Don’t want to ruin that.”

“Nope. Plus, you’re really bad at it.”

“Heyyyyy,” he protests. “That’s unfair.” Silence descends, and Jim picks at the sheets. “It’s my birthday, you know.”

She looks sideways at him. “It’s not even March, Jim.”

“My real birthday’s not in March,” he sighs. “I lied. My dad died today, you know. S’kinda morbid.”

He’s dimly aware of Gaila’s breath catching in her throat. “Jim? Why haven’t you ever told anyone this?”

He’s finally letting the misery wash over him. “I told Bones,” he reveals. “He was supposed to be here. Why isn’t he here?”

“Because he’s dumb,” she explains. “You want me and N to punish him?”

“No.” He feels her hand brush his cheek, and he leans slightly into it. “I think I’m in love with him, G.”

“I know,” she says sadly. He’s about to fall asleep when he hears a knock at his door. He tries to swing his legs over the side of his bed, but Gaila pushes him back down.

“I’ll get it.” He idly watches as she pads over to the door, and sees her relax as she greets them. “Jim, I’m heading out,” she announces, reaching for her bag.

“Wait, what-” he asks, but then Bones steps past her, panting slightly, and the protest dies on his tongue.

“I’m so sorry, Jim, I ran all the way here,” he explains, looking terrified. “I tried to tell Joce that I needed to go, but I didn’t want to tell her why, I am _so_ sorry-”

“Bones, it’s fine, you showed in the end.” Gaila gives Jim a sad, meaningful smile as she ducks out of the room, but Jim only has eyes for Bones at the moment. The other boy is shifting from foot to foot, still looking guilty as hell, and Jim just can’t be mad at him.  
“Come here, Bones,” he invites, patting the bed next to him. “Still got three minutes of the worst day of the year left. I want them to be spent with my best friend.”

Bones just looks at him with the same distressed eyes. “Dammit, Jim,” he says hoarsely, then climbs in next to him.

**

His seventeenth birthday happens just over two weeks after his mother agrees to marry Zuberi Uhura. Jim moves into their townhouse as soon as he is able, something Nyota is sure he’s done just to piss her off. He doesn’t do anything to dissuade her of this notion, even hitting on her more than usual as soon as her father is out of the room.

Still, when Zuberi comes in the sitting room on the fourth and pats Jim on the shoulder with a sincere wish for a happy birthday, Nyota’s eyes zero in on him as Jim freezes.

“It’s your birthday?” she asks sharply. Jim winces as Zuberi looks at her in surprise.

“You don’t know your friend’s birthday, Nyota?” His deep voice sends vibrations into the chair. “You two have known each other since you were small.”

She recovers quickly. “I just forgot it was the fourth, Daddy,” she smiles warmly up at him. “Must have slipped my mind. Happy birthday, Jim.”

He grins lecherously at her, praying he can just scare her out of the room as Zuberi leaves. “Thanks, Sis.”

“Don’t call me that,” she says coldly. “Tell me that my father is just mistaken and that you haven’t _lied_ to me for the past seventeen years about your birthday.”

He winces and stands. “Nyota, just drop it.”

She doesn’t even scold him for using her name. “Jim,” she presses. “Why?”

He doesn’t want to tell her. She’ll just look at him with those sad eyes, the ones she gives him when he’s being particularly pathetic. Nyota may pretend to be an ice queen, but she cares more about her own than anyone he knows.

Turns out, he doesn’t even have to say anything for her to give him the eyes. “Jim?”

He tells her.

That evening, when Bones comes over (looking slightly hesitant, as if he’s not welcome – he’s still shaken up about Halloween), he finds Jim and Nyota sitting quietly together, reading. Nyota notices him first, standing gracefully.

“I’m off to Gaila’s,” she announces, slipping on the Manolos by her chair. “Behave, you two.” Before she walks off, Jim briefly grabs her hand.

“Thanks, Sis,” he says softly.

She gives him a tiny smile. “No problem, Bro.”

**

Classes start up again the day of his nineteenth birthday. Jim’s glad for the distraction – it works far better than a vacation in Aspen or a beach in Australia. Still, he’s exhausted by the time he leaves his last lecture, and he wants nothing more than to return to his apartment and go to sleep until Bones shows up.

His plans are thwarted, however, by the appearance of the man himself right outside his lecture hall as he exits.

“Hey,” he greets, already feeling lighter.

“Hey,” Bones replies, before swooping in and kissing him deeply. “Happy birthday.”

“Thanks,” Jim murmured against his lips.

“Ready to head home?”

“You know?” Jim asks. “I think we should eat out tonight.”

It’s not entirely a happy birthday. But later that night, as he and Bones wave to Gaila and Nyota over Skype, it’s a start.


	4. The Plan(s)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Over the course of five months, Nyota teams up with Gaila to exile Jocelyn Darnell and play matchmaker to their two best friends, and learns a few things about Jim along the way.

On the first day of kindergarten, Nyota’s assigned buddy constructed an on-the-spot slingshot consisting of two pencils, a rubber band, and an eraser. She proceeded to bean Jimmy Kirk right between the eyes.

Gaila and Nyota have been best friends ever since.

**

Nyota Uhura is the indisputable Queen Bee, and Gaila is there to make sure none of the lesser-thans get any _ideas_. The two of them are invincible. Scandal doesn’t slide off them because it doesn’t touch them in the first place. This is largely due to the fact that Nyota dates the most boring boy on the Upper East Side and Gaila is just so friendly you can’t hate her, even when she sticks a knife in your back. They are the untouchable tip of the pyramid, and they rule Constance Billard with an iron fist.

They pass the rest of the time with studying and various plots.

The top of their to-do list today is one Jocelyn Darnell.

Gaila is first to approach her, the hardness glittering in her eyes the only thing detracting from her bright smile as she darts between the girl and her locker. “Jocelyn. We’d like to speak with you.”

Jocelyn swallows. “We?”

“Jocelyn,” Nyota says coldly as she comes up from behind her. “A few words.” Jocelyn’s blue eyes dart from one end of the hall, watching for cell phones. Nyota smirks at her. “I wouldn’t be worrying about gossip right now if I were you. You’re on the edge of social oblivion as it is. There’s not much lower you can go.”

“Look, if this is about Leo, I don’t want to hear it,” Jocelyn crosses her arms, her voice high with fear. “It’s none of your business.”

Gaila chuckles. “That’s not a very smart thing to say.”

Nyota makes no pretenses toward friendliness. “First off, if you want to keep your business private, don’t get it plastered across the front page of a blog everyone is going to see. Secondly, _Len_ is our business. He is our friend. _You_ are an unfortunate hanger-on that we have merely tolerated for Len's sake.”

“You’re finished here,” Gaila agrees. “And while the thought of you as a social pariah does take some of the sting out of it, Len is still sad. So you are going to suffer.”

“You have a week to transfer.” Nyota’s voice is low and dangerous. “If you do, we _might_ go soft on you. But we’d better not see you again, or there will be consequences, do I make myself clear?”

Jocelyn’s lips are trembling. “One week, got it,” she whispers, then flees.

“G,” Nyota says as soon as she’s gone. “Do you still have Scotty’s number?”

Scotty may have left the UES behind when he went to MIT, but he’s still got a soft spot for machines and redheaded girls with an agenda. “I’m sure I can drudge it up,” Gaila smiles. “This is going to be fun, isn’t it?”

Uhura’s grin is slightly feral. “You can count on it.”

**

Three days later, Jocelyn’s seat is empty in homeroom. Len takes one look at the vacant chair and raises an eyebrow at Nyota.

“I take it this has something to do with you,” he mutters out of the corner of his mouth.

Nyota doesn’t look at him. “You’re welcome,” she says as she flips open her planner. “But you’d better fix things with Jim or you’re next.”

She’s joking. Mostly.

As a rule, neither Nyota nor Leonard does much of anything related to the outdoors. As Len so elegantly put it: “Damn it, I’m a socialite, not some country boy.”

But at least once a month, Nyota trades in her Louboutins for a pair of riding boots and they go for a sedate walk along a trail. Spock occasionally comes along, but Gaila and Jim are emphatically not invited. Neither one have the patience nor appreciation for horses beyond turning a calm ride into a wild race. On Friday she approaches Len and asks him to join her for the weekend. Len is smart enough to realize that it isn’t entirely a friendly request and yet his smile is genuine.

“I’d love to. Jo hasn’t gotten a chance to stretch her legs for a while now.”

**

They ride in silence for a long time before Len speaks up. “I’m guessing you want to ask me about what happened with Jim?”

Nyota keeps her face carefully impassive. “I’m not asking you anything, Len,” she says calmly, leaving the implicit _I expect you to tell me_ hanging in the air.

Len heaves a heavy sigh and Jo tosses her mane slightly. “The thing is, even I don’t know what happened, Nyota,” he says miserably. “I had just found out about Jocelyn, and I was drunk, and Jim was there, being all… _Jim_.” He looks up at her, and even Nyota just wants to give him a hug or something. “I mean, you of all people should know that _no one_ is immune to him.”

Nyota freezes. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she says icily.

“Not like that,” Len backpedals quickly. “I mean, everyone knows you’re crazy about Spock. And even if you weren’t, you’d never sleep with Jim. It just…” Len pauses as he searches for words. “Even though you can’t stand half the things he does, you’re still one of his best friends.”

“So are you. The difference is, I’ve never made out with him.”

Len looks sharply at her. “How did you know?”

“Well, let’s see,” Nyota says. “He came down ten minutes after going up, without you, looking like someone ran over his dog, and he had a hickey that wasn’t there before.” She looks sideways at him. “I put two and two together, Len.”

He groans. “I don’t know what came over me, Nyota. One second I was just looking at him and the next I had jumped him. A minute later he pushed me off. Said to go look for some slut if I wanted meaningless sex. And then he insulted my costume,” he adds as an afterthought.

“It was heinous,” Nyota agrees. She thinks for a moment, then decides to tell him at least part of the story. “You want to know what I think, Len? You scared him. You’re one of the few people he has never _really_ considered having sex with, because you were always off-limits. You’re one of the few people he knows he has worth with beyond just a warm body. You know he’s never really been good at the whole self-worth thing. So when you suddenly recognize him in a sexual context, he freaks because now he’s not sure you keep him around for any reason other than the fact that he’s a pretty face.”

Len opens his mouth, probably to protest, but Nyota cuts his words off before he can get them out. “I know you don’t think of him like that, Len. What I’m saying is, you need to make sure _he_ knows that. His mom is throwing that brunch tomorrow. It’s the perfect opportunity for you to apologize.”

Len looks slightly relieved. “Thanks, Nyota. I really appreciate it.”

“It’s nothing,” she replies lightly. “Besides, you’re finally giving me an excuse to destroy that harpy ex-girlfriend of yours. We’ll call it even.”

**

Nyota takes a sip of her orange juice as she watches Len excuse himself from the table to follow Jim and allows herself a small smile. Gaila sees, of course, and leans toward her.

“I take it you managed to talk some sense into him?”

“It’s only a band-aid solution,” Nyota says quietly. “But it’s enough for now. They need to be friends again before we can commence with the matchmaking.”

“Boo,” Gaila pouts. “That’s the fun part.”

They watch in silence as Len takes Jim’s elbow and drags him into a side room. Spock, as he takes his seat next to Nyota, notices.

“I believe I am correct in assuming you two had a hand in this,” he says, briefly brushing his hand over Nyota’s. She smiles at him, and he twitches his lips fondly in response.

“We do use our powers for good occasionally, Spock,” Gaila says cheerfully. “You know as well as we do that Jim’s been mooning over Len for years. Well, we finally have the opportunity to fix it.”

“I did not mean to convey that I disapproved of your actions, I merely wanted to verify my suspicions.” He takes a sip of orange juice, and the glass muffles his next words. “As well as say that it is about time.”

Nyota laughs, and his lips twitch again. His face quickly becomes expressionless again as he looks at the door behind her. “I believe we have an unwelcome guest.”

She doesn’t whip around. She is dignified. Instead, she remains looking resolutely forward. “G.”

The redhead remains smiling, but her eyes flash. “It’s Jocelyn. And her mom. Looks like she’s not too happy with the fact that her daughter left a McCoy for new money. Fifty says she’s planning on cornering Len.”

“Looks like we’ll have to stop her, then,” Nyota stands. “Plan D. Go.” Gaila makes a beeline toward Jocelyn’s mother, and Nyota drops a kiss on Spock’s cheek. “Be right back.”

She strides toward Jocelyn. The girl’s back is turned, and it gives Nyota the opportunity to idly note that her heels are several seasons out of date. Jocelyn turns just as Nyota reaches her, and she can’t help but feel a vicious stab of satisfaction at the widening of the blue eyes.

“Nyota,” she says, her voice wavering a bit.

“I told you to stay away,” Nyota steamrolls over whatever she was about to see. “I don’t care if your mommy wanted here. You come down with food poisoning. You break your leg. You do _not_ show up at a brunch hosted by your ex’s best friend, especially not when I have specifically instructed that you are not to be seen around here again.”

“I’ll leave,” Jocelyn almost whimpers.

“Too late,” Nyota says coolly. “I warned you once, Jocelyn. One strike, you’re out. This is just us letting you know that it’s only begun. You’re going to be regretting this for a while.” She sees Mrs. Darnell storming their way and immediately adopts a friendly posture. “Anyway, good luck, Joce. We’re rooting for you.” She flashes a warm smile at the older woman before darting off.

As she slides back into her seat to watch Jocelyn’s mother storming, daughter in tow, out to the hall, Spock raises an eyebrow. “Do I want to know?”

“Oh, I merely implied to the mother shark over there that everyone at Constance thought Jocelyn had gone to rehab.” Gaila explains as she sits down. Before either of them can elaborate, Jim and Len return. Len looks a lot happier, but Jim’s smile is pasted on. Her eyes slide over to meet Gaila’s bright green ones. It looks like they’ve got a lot of work to do.

**

Four weeks, three botched attempts at matchmaking, and endless hours of frustration later, Gaila and Nyota are no closer to getting Jim and Len together than they were, although they have succeeded in getting Jocelyn to transfer to a boarding school in Connecticut. Nyota’s just about to give orders for a temporary retreat when the school announces its annual winter ball. Over lunch they sketch out a preliminary plan, and Gaila goes to corner Jim and demand his presence. Just as they had anticipated, Jim immediately claps a hand on Len’s shoulder.

“Whaddya say, Bones? I’m not suffering through this alone, if I have to go-” He looks to Gaila for confirmation, who gives him an aggressive nod. “Then you have to go too,” he finishes. Len rolls his eyes but agrees in the end.

Phase one complete.

The rest of their plan is rendered moot when Nyota sees the two enter.

Both of them look amazing, from a completely objective perspective, and she sees both of them catch the speculative eyes of girls around the room, but neither of them apparently notice. Instead, she watches them joke and laugh as they head for the drink table. Well, Jim at least. Len’s got the slightly constipated look on his face that indicates he’s somewhat lost in thought.

Nyota’s about ready to go approach them herself, because she’s getting antsy and Spock has a slightly flatter expression, which usually means he’s bored, but Jim finally spots her and starts heading her way. Len follows behind, looking somewhat like he’s been struck with something large and heavy. He then excuses himself to the bathroom, leaving Jim looking bemused and Nyota delighted.

Len can’t take his eyes off Jim for the rest of the night.

Nyota allows herself a sip of champagne later in honor of their small victory.

**

A week later, she watches her father propose to Winona Kirk, feeling as if she might be sick.

Her father hadn’t told her he had been seeing anyone, much less Jim’s _mother_. Ever since her parents had split up, her father had thrown himself into his work, dragging himself out only when Nyota had been around. She’s been used to live with just her father for years, and now–

Jim leers at her behind their celebrating parents’ backs and she scowls. Now she’s going to have the worst stepbrother ever.

**

She revises her opinion after seeing Jim on his birthday. The sadness associated with the day coupled with the brief happiness in his eyes when her father had clapped him on the shoulder made it impossible for her to feel anything but pity for him. She’s always been able to see him breaking his attention-getting act for brief moments, but now she deliberately seeks them out, trying to get to know him better. Over the next few months, she learns things.

Like how he claims to hate his mother, but whenever he gets a good grade on an assignment (which, Nyota also learns, is _all the time_ ), he slips the paper onto her desk when she’s not looking. How he likes her father and David McCoy more than any other parents on the UES because they’re the closest things he has to a father. How he doesn’t speak to his brother Sam, but he has his most recent phone number on a post-it stuck to the bottom of his desk.

She always knew, however, that Jim lights up whenever Len enters the room.

Her motivations change over the months. By March, she doesn’t just want to end the UST between Jim and Len. She wants to make her brother happy.

**

As soon as the weather permits it, she invites Len to go riding again. He agrees readily, and she prepares her speech.

“What exactly are your feelings for Jim?” she asks as soon as he mounts Jo.

He looks at her warily. “He’s my best friend, Nyota. We’ve been over this. Believe me, I haven’t tried to use him for sex again.”

“I know that,” she acknowledges. “I also know that your feelings aren’t exactly platonic either.”

Len scoffs, but doesn’t meet her eyes. “That’s crazy.”

“Is it?” she demands. “Tell me the truth, Len. You have feelings for him.”

He opens his mouth, changes his mind, then scowls. “That’s none of your business,” he snaps, sliding off his horse. “You know what? I changed my mind. I don’t feel like riding today.”

He starts stomping back to the stables. Nyota follows.

“We’re going to talk about this, Len,” she says in her most commanding voice. “You’re only hurting both of you by keeping quiet about this, I mean it-”

Len is throwing things around by this point. It’s making the horses nervous. Jo tosses her head, her eyes alarmed. He doesn’t reply. “Len, stop it.” He drops something on the ground, and growling, goes to pick it up.

Nyota barely has time to shriek “Len!” before Jo’s raised leg knocks him to the ground.


	5. The Accident

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Len wakes up, in more ways than one.

Len wakes up several times over the next few days, but drifts off again almost immediately. When he wakes up for good, he hears the sound of his mother’s voice in the corner.

“Yes. Next Friday. Surely you can pull yourself away from your poolside long enough to attend.” The world comes into slightly better focus and he can see Helene’s back to him. “Mother, I am not going to argue about this with you. Not tonight.” She listens for a few more seconds and her body tenses. “I don’t have the time for this. You are coming, I don’t care if I have to send someone to collect you. You are going to come and you are going to _be_ here for me for once in my life.” She viciously clicks the end call button on her cell phone and drops her forehead to her other hand, suddenly sagging.

“Mom?” Len finally has the strength to croak.

She whirls around, and she’s at his side in an instant. “Leonard. Oh thank goodness, darling, I was so scared.” Len can’t reply. He can barely even breathe.

Her eyes are red.

In his entire life, he has seen his mother cry twice. Once when her father’s home in Paris had burned to the ground and she had gone for hours not knowing if he had made it out. And once when Spock’s mother, her childhood best friend, had collapsed at a party and had later been diagnosed by Len’s own father with cancer.

Before he can say anything, a doctor strides in. He examines Len quickly and efficiently before nodding respectfully at his mother.

“It was touch and go for a while there, but he’ll be fine, Mrs. McCoy. He’s a lucky boy – a little further over and he might have suffered brain damage. As it is, he should make a full recovery. Plenty of time before next Friday.”

“Thank you, Doctor,” she says softly, not looking at him. He nods again, then slips from the room, leaving Len more confused than ever.

“Mom, what’s Friday?”

She opens her mouth, but only a hitched sob comes out. Len can practically hear his world crashing about his ears.

It takes her a while to get the story out, mainly so she can compose herself enough to speak. But the story slowly emerges: how Nyota had seen Joanna kick him and had ridden in the ambulance with him to the hospital, frantically trying to reach his mother but only getting her voicemail. How she’d finally called his father as a last resort, knowing that he had been in Los Angeles but needing one of his parents there. How his father had jumped on the Lear jet without going through the proper safety protocols, desperate to reach his son.

How the jet had gone down in an empty field halfway to New York.

He sits, numb, watching fresh tears spring to his mother’s eyes. His father is dead. It sounds wrong. He had seen him the other morning as he was leaving for his trip. He had stolen Len’s toast as he walked out the door to catch his plane.

His mother sits with him for a while longer, gently stroking his hair, until she absolutely has to go. “I have to… make arrangements,” she says. “Your friends should be arriving soon. I won’t keep you from them.” She kisses his cheek as lightly as she can. “I love you.”

Gaila is the first to arrive, her curls soaked from the rain and tear tracks down her cheeks. She laces her fingers through his and sits silently with him until Spock and Nyota arrive, squeezing first Len’s hand, then Nyota’s, before leaving as well.

Spock is stoic as ever but Nyota is far from it. It’s a shock to see the one girl at Constance Billard who never loses her composure so hysterical. It takes nearly ten minutes to finally get her to start believing that the blame doesn’t lie with her. When she calms down sufficiently, she bids a quick adieu to Len before rushing off to the ladies’ room, covering her face with her hand. Spock stands awkwardly at the foot of Len’s bed, staring at him for a moment before speaking.

“Thank you. For not letting her take the blame.”

Len looks down at his lap. “It’s not her fault. Not in the slightest.”

“Be that as it may.” Spock takes a breath. “I know how easy it can be to… assign blame upon the death of a loved one. I myself blamed your father when my mother passed. It took a long time to accept it was the disease, not her doctor, who killed her.” Len looks up at the boy in shock. “Allow me to express my deepest condolences, Len. Your father was a good man. Far better than most. If you ever need to, do not hesitate to visit me. Sometimes we need a shoulder less than we need peace.”

Len has to swallow before he can speak. “Thank you.”

Spock nods, then turns on his heel and walks out stiffly. Not two minutes later, Jim appears, out of breath, and is immediately at his side. “Oh God, Bones,” he says, trying to find a chair with his foot so he doesn’t have to look away from his best friend’s face. “Oh, God. I was so scared. Jesus, Bones, there’s a reason why I’m the one who always gets hurt, I can’t handle this shit.”

“Jim,” Len says hoarsely. Jim immediately falls silent, just looking at him in anticipation. Len can feel a lump rising in his throat. “Jim, my dad’s dead.”

Jim’s mouth tightens. “I know.”

A second later, Jim climbs up into Len’s hospital bed and is holding Len’s head to his chest as he cries his eyes out. Every time he thinks he’s calming down, Jim strokes a hand through his hair or over his back and he’s set off again. It’s a while before he can regain his composure. When he does, Jim still doesn’t leave the bed.

“Bones,” he says softly. “Promise me you’re not going to blame yourself for this.”

Not for the first time, Len is _floored_ by how well Jim knows him. How he knew that, after the shock of losing his father sank in, the first thing Len would do is blame himself.

“It is my fault, though,” he says miserably. “I’m the one that was acting like a jackass and throwing things around, I was the one who scared Jo.”

“Yeah, okay. It’s your fault you got kicked,” Jim admits. “But it’s not your fault that David’s plane crashed.”

“If I hadn’t gotten my dumb ass hurt, he would have never-”

“Bones,” Jim cuts him off, looking pained. “Believe me. It’s not your fault. Don’t go down that path, Bones, because believe me, you won’t come back if you do.” And Len can only stare at Jim, the boy who blamed himself for his father’s death since he was able to understand that his birthday and the date on the tombstone were the same. Len’s heard him talk about it a few times, when Jim is drunk and lonely, and he had been there the day Jim had come home to find Sam gone-

And now he feels like the biggest shit in the universe. Especially since Jim is still talking.

“He would have done that if any of us had gotten hurt, you know? Remember that time in fourth grade when I tried to do a backflip off the swings and I broke in my arm? And my mom was in Prague and Sam refused to miss any school so your dad got out of the taxi and ran seven blocks to the hospital because he didn’t want to wait for traffic. And I wasn’t even his son, Bones.” Jim squeezes his shoulder, and Len leans into his touch. “Don’t blame yourself because your father was the best man on the Upper East Side, Bones,” Jim finishes softly.

Jim stays for hours, sometimes talking, sometimes silent, but his presence is all Len could ask for. Finally a nurse comes in and shoos him out, but before he leaves, he levels his gaze with Len’s.

“I mean it, Bones. No blaming yourself. You start to feel that way again, call me. I’ll talk you out of it.” He waits for Len to nod before patting his leg and half-heartedly leering at the nurse on the way out.

Then he’s all alone, but the scent of Jim still clings to the sheets. He breathes it in until he falls asleep.

**

Jim finds Bones’ mother waiting outside the elevator. He nods respectfully at her. “Mrs. McCoy.”

She gives him a tight smile that doesn’t reach her eyes. “Please, Jim. You’ve been my son’s best friend for over ten years. It’s Helene.”

“Helene,” Jim repeats. “I’m sorry for your loss.”

She considers him for several long moments, and Jim has to fight the urge to fidget under the hazel eyes that look so much like her son’s. “Thank you, Jim. Would you mind accompanying me downstairs?”

Jim’s confused, but he’s careful not to let it show. Instead, he hits the elevator call button and waits for her to speak once the doors slide shut. When she does, it’s halting and careful, a far cry from the strong woman he’s seen striding about on Fifth Avenue. “Jim, I don’t have to tell you that my husband is – was – very fond of you,” she begins. “I want you to know that while you and I have never been as close as you were to David, I feel the same way. You’re part of our family, Jim, and I don’t want you to feel that because my husband is gone you are no longer welcome in our home. I know that you’re probably going to try to be there as much as you can for Leonard, but I don’t want you to neglect yourself. Let yourself have a chance to mourn as well.”

Jim’s mouth is dry. “Thank you.”

She looks down at her hands as they walk into the lobby. “Yes, well, it’s the least I can do. You’ve done so much for Leonard over the years. And we’ve always considered you to be like a son.” They stop under the overhang outside the hospital to take shelter while waiting for their rides. “I would like for you to sit with the family for the funeral next Friday. The doctors say that Leonard should be out by then, and I’m sure he’ll want you next to him.”

“Of course,” Jim responds automatically. She smiles, a bit warmer this time, though still sad.

“I’m so glad he has you, Jim.”

He ducks his head, willing his cheeks to keep from flushing but failing miserably. “He’s got a lot of friends who would go to bat for him. I’ve just been friends with him for the longest.”

She shakes her head. “I think we both know it goes further than that.” Jim’s eyes shoot up to meet hers, and she squeezes his arm knowingly. “He’ll come around eventually. Hang in there.” Before Jim can ask her anything, her towncar pulls up. “Thank you, Jim. For everything.” She slides into the backseat of the car and he watches the taillights disappear into the night, feeling lost and miserable and a little dumbstruck at the revelation that his secret may not be his best-kept one after all.

When he gets home, Nyota is still awake, curled up on the couch in the sitting room, looking lost. He sits down beside her and she immediately leans into him.

“Jim?” she says softly, her voice wobbling. “This – this –”

And something about the way that she, of all people, is lost for words brings the magnitude of the situation down on him. He feels tears prickle at his own eyes for the first time and he wraps an arm around her shoulders, pressing his head against hers. “I know,” he says. “This sucks.”

**

The thing about hospitals is, when your name is on the hospital ward, they can’t exactly kick you out. Helene puts her foot down and determines that Len will be staying for observation until he absolutely has to leave for the funeral, and his doctors can only meekly agree.

Over the next week, Jim comes to visit Len every day. He says nothing about the fact that he’s skipping school, and Len doesn’t have the heart to point it out, because he really needs him there. He does, however, bring up the subject of his “birthday” party.

“I really don’t think I’ll be able to go, Jim,” he says tiredly.

“Oh, the party’s off,” Jim replies. “I’m not exactly in the mood to celebrate much of anything.”

Len’s grateful for two reasons. One he freely admits to is the fact that he can’t exactly stomach a celebration right now either. The second, one he is more than slightly ashamed of, is that now he won’t have to watch Jim drag a couple of girls into a side room halfway into the night.

Nyota is not so willing to skip school, but every day, at three-thirty on the nose, she and Gaila arrive in his room and perch on the end of his bed until they absolutely have to leave. They bring the boys’ homework and news from the school, and a couple of days, Spock.

Len is released from the hospital the day before the funeral, but as soon as he walks into the entryway of his home, he feels slightly sick. The situation is not remedied by his grandmother’s arrival, who brushes her dry lips across his cheek before immediately heading for the wine. He catches the pained look on his mother’s face and decides against running out the door. He does, however, call Jim, who arrives within ten minutes and whisks Len upstairs so he doesn’t have to keep hearing his grandmother loudly complain about the lack of gin.

The funeral is… awful. There is no other way to describe it. Len can only stare at his lap the entire time, squeezed between his mother and Jim, and Jim has to call his name five times before he realizes it’s time to leave the church. After it’s all over, Len lingers, not wanting to go home and leave Jim’s side. His mother solves this predicament for him by wrapping him in her arms and practically ordering him to go home with Jim and Nyota. Gaila and Spock join them as well, and all five of them troop into Jim’s room. Len falls asleep on Jim’s bed sandwiched between the two girls while Spock leafs through one of Jim’s books and Jim sits lost in his own thoughts.

A week after the funeral, Len’s mother announces that she has to go to London. Len doesn’t even realize that he’s hyperventilating until his mother shouts at him to calm down.

“I can’t believe you’re doing this,” he yells at her. “One problem, one tiny engine error, and you’re going down over the Atlantic.”

“Leonard, I will make sure they double check everything before we take off,” she says soothingly. “I’ll call you the second we touch down. I’ll be fine, trust me.”

Len doesn’t trust her. It’s why he ends up sprawled out on Jim’s bed that night, staring at his phone until his mother’s name flashes across the screen. After that, he just sort of… stays.

**

Having Bones in his home is a mixed bag. On the one hand, Jim and Nyota can keep a better eye on him while he stays in the guest room. On the other hand, Bones is in his house. Using his shower. Wandering into Jim’s room shirtless to inquire about the whereabouts of his uniform jacket. Stretching out on the couch so that his bare feet brush Jim’s leg.

Jim is pretty sure _thou shalt not jerk off over your depressed best friend_ isn't one of the Ten Commandments, but he’s probably going to hell anyway.

He endures it, though, because Bones would do the same for him. And at the end of the day, he hoards those moments that make his mouth go dry in his memory, because he can never really regret being able to touch Bones. That doesn’t stop him from feeling selfish, however.

He says as much to Nyota one Saturday in April while Bones is back with his mother and Spock had to cancel their plans to have dinner with his father. She takes one look at his dejected form and rolls her eyes, commanding: “Get up. We’re going to Bendel’s.”

Nyota browses through the store while Jim follows behind, chatting quietly so as to not be picked up by any eavesdroppers.

“It’s just… really hard sometimes,” he confesses, rubbing a hand over his face. “I mean, I would much prefer him to be with us than to be alone, but-” He searches for the words for a moment, then gives up, shrugging. “It’s hard,” he finishes lamely.

Nyota looks up at him sharply. It’s the first time he’s spoken openly about his feelings for Bones, even though he knows that she’s been aware of them since at least Halloween. “You need to tell him, you know.”

“I can’t,” Jim sags. “I can’t do that to our friendship. God, Nyota, he’s my best friend. He was the closest thing I had to family for years. I can’t risk that, especially when I know that he doesn’t feel the same way.”

“People change, you know,” she points out.

“Bones doesn’t,” Jim laughs. “Trust me, N. I’ll be fine. I’ve kept from telling him for like five years now. I’m used to it.”

She gives him the sad eyes again and slides her arm through his. “You know, Kirk,” she says softly. “You aren’t half bad, you know.”

He grins down at her. “You aren’t so bad yourself, Uhura.”

Sometimes Jim truly can’t believe how amazing his new family is. Sometimes he wonders what he’s done to deserve them. Most of the time he’s just grateful for them.

**

Over the months, Len gradually starts to come to terms with his father’s death. It still catches him off-guard, sometimes, when he thinks of a funny story to tell or a question to ask him about a new medical development, only to realize he can’t. But gradually the pangs that accompany these moments become easier to endure. It’s due in no small part to Jim. Every time he sees a look start to pass over Len’s face, he’s there, talking him through it. He tells stories and relives shared memories, or just listens to Len talk, his blue eyes large and serious. He’s so goddamn perfect that it _hurts_ , and with every day that passes, Len feels himself falling harder and harder for him.

He can’t pinpoint the moment that it became more than a crush, but at the beginning of June, he wakes up to the realization that he’s in love with Jim.

It’s different than when he was in love with Jocelyn. Jocelyn was beautiful and smart and he could hardly believe that she had looked twice at him, much less wanted to date him. His love for Jocelyn was one of disbelief.

Loving Jim, on the other hand, feels like coming home. Jim is just as gorgeous as Jocelyn and he’s even smarter, but Len almost never feels intimidated by this because Jim is always the one who looks like he can hardly believe Len is at his side. And whereas getting to know Jocelyn had been an adventure (right up to the point where he learned she was a cheating _bitch_ , anyway), he and Jim know each other inside and out.

Loving Jim feels like a natural progression, one that was impossible to avoid since he kissed Jim on Halloween. Probably even before that.

This revelation comes with a wave of dread. Nyota had basically told him that Jim had no sexual feelings for him, and even if she hadn’t, it didn’t take a blind man to notice. Jim is certainly a tactile person, to be sure, but his touches aren’t lingering or longing. It’s usually merely a casual arm thrown around his shoulder, or a comforting squeeze of his arm. Even if he was attracted to Len, however, there remained the simple fact that Jim is not the commitment type. He had never dated anyone as far as Len knew, and if the clench of his stomach that accompanied the sight of Jim with a girl is any indication, he would not be happy with anything short of monogamy.

So he keeps silent.

He can’t help but be a little selfish, however, and slide onto the same couch as Jim even when there’s an empty armchair right next to him, or barge into his room without knocking in the hopes of catching a glimpse of bare skin.

He’s probably the worst excuse for a human being he knows.

But when he and Jim start discussing their summer plans, Jim makes ignoring anything impossible. “So I was thinking we could just crash in the Hamptons for a while,” he suggests. “If we get bored we can get a car or something. Drive down to Miami so we can laugh at the orange people and you can watch me get sunburnt.”

He doesn’t suggest a single destination that includes flying. Len realizes that he’s past the point of no return. Something has to be done.

He just has to figure out what.

**

Jim looks up in surprise when Bones barges in. “Hey. I thought you weren’t going to stay here while your mom was in town.”

“Oh, I’m not staying.” Bones looks slightly flustered. “Is Nyota here?”

Jim feels a slight sting as he waves a hand in the direction of her room and Bones goes barreling down the hall, and forces himself not to think about what Bones could possibly tell her that he couldn’t tell Jim.

**

“I’m in love with Jim,” Len blurts out as soon as the door clicks shut. “I need your help.”

To her credit, Nyota keeps her composure for a good five seconds. Then her face breaks into a wide smile and she launches herself out of her bed toward Len. He’s struck, as usual, by how much smaller she is when she’s not wearing towering stilettos.

“Really?” she asks when she pulls away, pressing her hands to her mouth. When he nods, she squeals and hugs him again. She calms down slightly, enough for her to scowl and punch him in the arm. “It took you long enough!”

“Ow,” he complains. “Wait, what?”

She rolls her eyes so hard it must hurt. “You are so slow, Len,” she gripes, sitting back on her bed. “G and I have been trying to get it through your thick skull for months now.”

His jaw drops. “What? You knew? Does everyone know?”

Nyota shrugs. “There haven’t been any mentions of it on Gossip Girl, so I’m going to say no. But of course Gaila and I know, who do you think we are?” She bounces slightly. “Have you told him yet?”

“Uh, no,” he scoffs. She scowls at him again.

“Why not?”

“Let’s see,” he says. “The last time I tried anything with him, he shoved me off and told me to shack up with some whore. I really don’t think he’s interested.”

She immediately assumes her patented _I’m talking to an idiot_ face. “Len. I’m going to try to explain this in small words. Jim has been in love with you. Forever. Like, middle school.”

Something leaps in his chest. It feels a lot like hope. He squashes it quickly. “You’re joking.”

She groans. “God, L, you’re killing me here. Trust me. I live with him. I know.”

“So why hasn’t he said anything?”

She looks a little sad at this. “You’re his best friend, Len. He’d suffer in silence his whole life if it meant he got to keep you in any capacity, even if it was one he wasn’t totally satisfied with.”

Len sits down next to her. “And is he going to be _satisfied_ if he can’t sleep with every girl that comes his way?” he challenges.

“Len, the only reason he hasn’t ever dated anyone is because the only one he was interested in wasn’t interested in him,” she points out. “You haven’t noticed? He hasn’t slept with anyone since March. He only wants to be there for you.”

“So… why did he push me off in October?”

“He wants you for real, Len,” she explains. “Not because you want to blow of steam. He wants you to want _him_.”

“I do.” The words slip out before he can stop them, and his cheeks burn red. Nyota’s smile returns, full force. “So what do I do?”

“You’d better make it a grand gesture, whatever it is,” she warns. “He deserves as much for waiting around five years for you. My suggestion would be the wedding. And make sure you let him know that you _love_ him. Don’t let him think that you’re just sad over your father or something.”

“Believe me, I won’t,” he says. “God, Nyota, how am I ever going to thank you?”

She grins. “You can let me tell Gaila.”

**

Jim tries to bat Nyota’s hands away from his tie, but they return a second later anyway.

“It’s crooked,” she admonishes. “Stop being such a baby and hold still.”

“No one is going to be looking at me anyway,” he pouts.

“They will be during your toast,” she points out. “You did write one, right?”

He flashes her injured eyes. “Of course I did. I’m not going to just blow something like this off, especially when your dad is the one who asked me to do it.”

Nyota relaxes and even smiles a bit. “Hey,” she tells him. “In about three hours I’m going to be your sister.”

Jim grins at her. “Are you going to vomit?”

“No,” she laughs. “Like I said. You’re not half bad, Kirk.”

“Yeah? Well you’re amazing,” he says.

She rewards him with a warm, beautiful smile and a hug.

**

Len is going to vomit.

He fumbles with his tie for about a minute before his mother intervenes with sympathetic eyes, knotting it efficiently.

“What’s got you so nervous?” she asks, smoothing the fabric down. “You would think it’s _your_ wedding day, not Winona's.”

He opens his mouth to deny everything, but when he looks at her, he knows he’s screwed. His mother did not become one of the most successful businesswomen in the world without developing a finely honed bullshit radar. He couldn’t fool her any more than the president of the United States could.

“I’m in love with Jim,” he blurts out. “Nyota thinks I should tell him today.”

He’s mortified. There’s no other way to describe it. However, rather than looking shocked, his mother just chuckles. “It’s about time. I was afraid you were going to drag it out for months.”

“You-” he gapes. “You _knew_?”

“Darling,” she admonishes. “I’m your mother. Of course I knew. I knew probably before even you did. Your father was the one who pointed it out to me, for heaven’s sake.”

“And you’re okay with this?” he asks. She looks at him sharply.

“Leonard. If you think I’m one of those mothers who are going to overlook their son’s happiness simply because he’s found it with another _boy_ , you really don’t know me at all.” Her face softens, and she rests a hand on his cheek. “Darling. I had the happiest marriage in Manhattan for twenty years. And I don’t have to tell you how hard it is to find someone who truly cares about you on the Upper East Side. If you can have just a fraction of the joy that I experienced with your father, well, that’s all I can ask for.”

He wants to hug her, but he’s afraid of wrinkling her Valentino. He settles for squeezing her hand. “Thank you, Mom.”

“You’re welcome, Leonard. Go get him.”

**

Jim is pretty sure the day of his mother’s wedding to Zuberi Uhura is going to be the best day of his life.

The early June day is absolutely flawless. Perfect for the outdoor wedding. He and Nyota make their way down the aisle and he takes his place next to his future stepfather, clapping him on the shoulder. When his mother steps into the aisle, even he can’t keep from smiling at her. As they exchange their vows, he and Nyota sneak looks at each other from the corner of their eyes.

He tries hard to keep his eyes off Bones during the toast, but even he looks so happy that Jim keeps glancing back his way as he talks of love and family. When he sits down, the tips of his ears are burning.

He dances once with Nyota before handing her off to Spock, scanning the crowd for Bones so he can sit with his friend and watch the crowd. Instead, a hand grasps his elbow and Bones’ warm breath tickles his ear.

“Wanna get out of here?”

He’s forcibly reminded of the brunch ages ago, when Bones had dragged him into a side room to apologize for kissing him. Jim nods, mute, and Bones guides him out to the hallway and into a small room Jim had been unaware of.

Jim is inexplicably nervous. He lets out a shaky laugh as he collapses on a couch. “Kind of loud in there, huh? I hadn’t noticed until we left.”

Bones takes a seat next to him and grins. “Yeah. Nice wedding, though.”

“Perfect,” Jim agrees. He looks sideways at Bones, who appears to be contemplating him silently. He fidgets under his gaze until he can’t take it anymore, finally demanding: “What?”

Bones blushes slightly and looks down at his lap, picking at an invisible piece of lint on his pants. “Nothing, it’s just… I never thanked you. You know, for all you’ve done for me these past months.”

Jim waves him off. “It’s nothing. Really. You would have done the same for me.”

“That’s not the point,” Bones protests. “I don’t think anyone else could have done that for me. I mean, Nyota and Gaila were sympathetic, but you just _knew_ whenever I started feeling guilty or depressed and you just… fixed me. So… thank you.”

Jim swallows. “You’re welcome, Bones.”

Bones doesn’t appear to be finished, however. Instead, he looks up and focuses on Jim’s face, looking conflicted. Finally, he bursts. “I’m sorry I took advantage of our friendship on Halloween.”

Now Jim is the one blushing. “You already apologized once, you don’t have to do it again,” he mutters.

“No, I apologized for kissing you,” Bones corrects. Jim fails to notice the difference, but Bones seems happy to oblige in explaining. “I’ve realized something since then. I _am_ sorry for taking advantage of you. But I’m not sorry for kissing you.”

Jim’s breath catches in his throat and he looks away, grasping for any distraction. “Um…”

“Jim,” Bones’ soft voice calls, and he is helpless to do anything else but look back. “It was wrong for me to kiss you. But ever since then, I haven’t been able to get you off my mind. So I can’t be sorry for that.” He runs a hand through his hair in slight frustration and laughs. “I’ve been trying to figure out how to say this all day. Trying to find a way to make you understand that I’m serious about this, that this isn’t a mistake on my part.” He shakes his head. “Maybe I should just…” He trails off, staring at Jim, then blurts out “I’m in love with you.”

If Jim’s going to die of asphyxiation, he figures this is as good a time as any. “What?” he manages to squeak.

“I love you,” Bones repeats. “I would have told you sooner, but I’m apparently too stupid to notice. But I mean it, Jim, I mean it more than I’ve ever meant it before. Dammit, Jim, you’re _it_.” He looks shyly down at his hands. Jim’s pinching himself, and he’s still not waking up, but this is just too good to be real – “I guess the question is now,” Bones finishes, “Is that, if I kiss you this time, will I be taking advantage of our friendship again?”

Screw it. If this is a dream, Jim doesn’t want to wake up. “Not if I kiss you first,” Jim chokes out. Bones looks up, and Jim’s lips are on his in an instant.

He pours five years of unrequited love into the kiss, and Bones responds with equal fervor. For the first time, Jim allows himself to actually believe that Bones wants this as well, wants this even a fraction as much as he does.

Especially when they finally have to break apart to breathe, and Bones sneaks in one last chaste kiss. This simple action breaks Jim’s heart in the best possible way.

“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that,” Jim confesses against Bones’ lips. Bones frowns and kisses him again, soft and sweet.

“I’m sorry. I’m an idiot.” He brushes a thumb over Jim’s cheek. “Guess that means I have a lot more apologizing to do, huh?”

“Oh, I’m sure we can work something out,” Jim laughs, and Bones grins back. Beautiful. And for the first time, _all his_. He can’t resist kissing it. Finally, he manages to tear himself away with a groan. “As much as I would love for you to get started right here and now, we should probably head back to the reception,” he admits reluctantly. “It would not be hot if my mom had to come and drag us out.” Bones makes a grudging sound of agreement, and Jim kisses him again. “Hey,” he says, low and suggestive. “The newlyweds are leaving right after the reception. Nyota’s going over to Spock’s since his dad’s out of town. What do you say to starting that apologizing tonight?”

“I’d say you’re a goddamned genius, Jim Kirk,” Bones says. “But you’d better get off me right now, otherwise I’m not going to be able to stop myself.”

Jim forces himself into an upright position, then stands and straightens his tux. He sees Bones do the same out of the corner of his eye, and his heart stutters. For the first time, it’s not painful when it does.

“Hey,” Jim stops him before he can leave. “I just want you to know. I love you, too.”

Bones smiles, bright and blinding, and Jim can only return it. Bones swoops in and kisses him one last time before they walk back into the reception hall together.

It’s the best day of Jim’s life.


	6. The Prelude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 50 years in the life of Helene McCoy. All in all, she figures they could have been worse.

In 1978, David McCoy is the most desired boy in Manhattan. Handsome, rich, and with a pedigree that can practically be traced to the Stone Age. He’s what every girl wants in a future husband.

So naturally, Helene isn’t interested.

It’s not that he’s rude or self-absorbed. She’s known him since she was six years old, and he’s friendly enough. But Helene’s not looking for a husband even richer than she is. She wants to add to the wealth herself. And after watching her mother slowly leech the life out of her father over the years, marrying for money is out of the question anyway.

Helene is smart. And she’s got plans. So she’s not going to waste her time jockeying for David McCoy’s attention like the rest of the girls in her year.

That doesn’t mean she can’t watch _them_. Just because she’s ambitious doesn’t mean she’s _mature_.

“Is he looking this way?” “Move, you’re blocking my view!” “Your view? Who cares about your view? Elizabeth’s blocking _his_ view with her giant-” “Really, Nancy? Because that view consists of nothing but a flat chest and-”

On and on it goes, until Helene finally gets tired of their stage whispers. “He’s not going to look over here,” she drones over to them. “We have a test in biology tomorrow. That’s why he’s in the library. _Studying_.” Seven identical glares are aimed at her. Then one girl speaks up.

Out of all the girls in her high school class, there is a special place in her heart for Sophie Whitman. It’s on fire and smells like eggs. “Just because David doesn’t look twice at you doesn’t mean you have to ruin it for the rest of us, Helene.”

“Oh, I don’t care how you waste your spare time, so long as it doesn’t conflict with my studying,” Helene brushes her off. “But right now you’re distracting me. So how about you go and giggle somewhere until _McCoy_ is willing to be distracted?”

They continue to glare at her, but they soon retreat. As soon as they’re gone, there’s a thump across from her as David slides into the seat. “Thanks for scaring them off,” he says gratefully. “I was afraid they were never going to leave.”

“Same here,” Helene says flatly, riffling through her notes. “That’s why I did it.”

“So why are you in here?” he changes the subject. “Senior year’s almost over. Everyone else has pretty much checked out already.”

“Yes, well, Yale keeps an eye on your grades even after they accept you, so…”

“Yale?” David looks impressed. “Congratulations. I didn’t know. I’m heading off to Princeton myself.”

“So I heard.” His mother had been bragging for weeks afterward. She’s pretty sure people in Jersey know that David is continuing the McCoy Princeton legacy.

“What are you going to be studying?”

“Business.”

“Ah. I’m pre-law.”

Her eyes flick back up. “You don’t sound particularly thrilled about the prospect.”

He shrugs. “Yeah, well, it’s what my dad wants me to do.”

“And what do _you_ want to do?” she asks, cocking her head.

“Um,” David blushes. “I, uh, I thought it would be cool to do medicine.”

“So do it,” Helene says bluntly. “Your father’s not the one who has to live with it, you are. Why study law if you’re just going to hate it?”

David grins at her. It would have made a lesser girl weak at the knees. As it is, Helene just blinks at him, unfazed. “So why are you studying business instead of art history like a good heiress?”

At this Helene grins back. “Because one day I am going to own this town,” she declares.

“So am I going to have to ask for your permission to live here?”

“Nah. You’re alright, you can stay,” she decides. She looks pointedly at the door to the library. “They’re going to have to relocate, though.”

“My mom thinks I should ask Sophie out,” he says out of nowhere. Helene makes a face. “That’s what I said.”

“Well, if you’re into ‘pretty and stupid’ she pretty much fits the bill.”

“Yeah, I’m thinking more along the lines of ‘smart and ambitious.’ What do you say Helene?” He waggles his eyebrows. “We should go out sometime.”

“Mmm, I’ll pass,” she decides. “But I’d still steer clear of Sophie if I were you. She’s got an eye on your bank account.”

He shrugs, unfazed. “Ah, well it was worth a shot.”

“Yeah, could be worse. I could have said yes.”

They study together all afternoon. Then she forgets all about it.

**

She goes back the summer before she starts business school because her father begs her and Amanda’s wedding is in July.

As she watches the groom dance somewhat stiffly with his mother, she’s focusing so hard on not laughing that she doesn’t hear David approach.

“Helene, you look amazing. Would you care to dance?” She accepts graciously and takes his hand. “So I heard you graduated top of your class,” he says as he begins to lead her around the floor. “I wanted to offer my congratulations.”

“Thank you,” she says. “How was pre-law?”

“No clue,” he beams. “I decided to go the pre-med route instead.”

“Good for you,” she nods her approval. “What did your dad think?”

David’s eyes dim a bit. “He’s not really talking to me right now.”

“Could be worse,” Helene says. “He could be mean and _drunk_ like my mother.”

His face brightens immediately as he laughs. “So where are you going to business school?”

“Harvard,” she tells him.

She can tell immediately something is up. “Oh, really?” he begins casually. “Because, uh, that’s where I happen to be going to med school.” And really, she knows it’s coming. “Some might say that’s serendipity. We should go out sometime, Helene.”

This time she laughs right in his face. “Why don’t you look at the selection Harvard has to offer,” she advises. “Then, if you’re really desperate, you can ask me again.”

“Oh, asking you out is never desperation,” he assures her.

As soon as the song ends, they go their separate ways.

**

Over the next year and a half, Helene cheerfully rejects David a dozen more times, and he takes it good-naturedly each time. They don’t purposely seek each other out, and their respective schedules prohibit much contact, but Helene feels at ease in his company each time she sees him.

She goes back home for winter break during her second year because Amanda’s first son is due any day and her father has just served her mother with divorce papers. On Christmas Eve, a maid interrupts her phone call to Louisa with a quiet “Mister McCoy to see you, Miss Helene.”

She nods her assent to the girl and turns her focus back to the phone. She couldn’t be happier to say, “I’m sorry, Mother, but I have a visitor. Enjoy your affair with your gardener,” before hanging up on her. She looks up to see David laughing down at her.

“Have I ever told you before how much I love your sense of humor?” he asks. He pulls out a gold wrapped present from behind his back and kisses her cheek. “Merry Christmas, Helene.”

She raises an eyebrow at him as she accepts it. “I wasn’t aware we were exchanging gifts.”

“I saw it while buying a present for my mother,” he says by way of explanation.

“Well, please,” she invites, waving a hand at the chair across from her. “Sit.”

He looks slightly nervous as she carefully unwraps the gift. As soon as it lays before her, she understands why. The simple diamond pendant is stunning in the low light of the room.

“David,” she says in a hushed tone, “I-”

“It’s not some way of bribing you into going out with me,” he assures her, “I know it’s a lot, but I don’t want you thinking it’s too much. There’s a reason for this, I swear.”

She takes a breath and arches an eyebrow at him. “And what might that be?”

“It’s a thank you gift.” He leans forward. “Helene, if it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have been in med school right now. I’d have been in some second-rate law school because I wasn’t good at it and I hated it. Instead, I’m at Harvard. And I never would have done it if it weren’t for you.”

She is genuinely confused. “What, because I told you that _one time_ in our senior year?”

“Yes,” he says earnestly. “Helene, before you talked to me, I was actually considering dating Sophie Whitman just because my mother told me so. I did everything my parents expected me to do because I am spineless and scared.” He laughs. “And then you came along. And you laughed at Sophie and all those other girls and you told me you were going to Yale and you were going to own New York. You made me realize I could do anything. I owe everything to you.” He shakes his head. “I was in Tiffany’s, about to buy some hideous necklace for my mother, and I saw this. And it’s just – you. You don’t need some overwrought monstrosity to shine like the rest of them do. And you’re going to last a hell of a lot longer, too.” He looks at her seriously. “I’m not in love with you. I don’t want you to think I’m some idiot pining over a girl who won’t give me the time of day. But I admire you more than anyone I’ve ever met. And I’ve met Ronald Reagan.”

She stares at him, dumbstruck, for several long moments. Then she bursts out laughing.

“Well, help me put it on, then,” she commands playfully, handing him the box.

That night is the first time he doesn’t ask her out. Instead, he gives her a hug and wishes her a merry Christmas.

They end up going to the same New Year’s party. This isn’t so much a surprise, seeing as it is hosted by a classmate from their year, but it isn’t unplanned on Helene’s part either. This is particularly evident by the necklace she decides to wear.

David’s eyes light up when he sees it around her neck and he makes his way over to her, practically having to elbow his admirers out of his way to do so. Helene catches several dirty glares in her direction and smiles blithely in return. “Ravishing,” David declares as he reaches her. “I suppose I should monopolize your attention now before every other male in here decides to do so as well.”

As usual, they talk of everything and nothing as they sit tucked away in a corner. They are both approached several times over the course of the evening, but when they don’t make a move to leave the other’s side, they quickly get bored and leave.

At ten seconds to midnight, Helene leans in toward him. “Hey, McCoy?”

“Yeah?” he asks, somewhat distracted by the countdown.

“We should go out sometime.”

His head snaps around, his face etched with shock. “Really?”

At the cries of “Happy New Year!” she nods. Warmth floods through her when his face breaks into an enormous smile. And when he kisses her right after, she certainly doesn’t protest.

**

She meets him at the elevator as she is coming in. He emerges, looking exhausted, but he still kisses her hello.

“I thought you are off tonight,” she says. “I wanted to have dinner together.”

“They just paged me. They want me to come in again.” He rubs a hand over his face. “This is the third time in five days. I can’t wait until I’m not an intern anymore.”

“Could be worse,” she points out. “You could be a crappy lawyer married to Sophie Whitman.”

“She wishes,” he smiles at her and kisses her again. “I’m not sure when I’ll be back, but I’ll try to be home as soon as I can. I love you.”

“Love you too,” she replies. She watches him dash off to call a cab before finally entering the elevator. When she steps into their apartment, she notices a yellow Post-It stuck to the wall directly opposite the door. On it, David’s chicken scratch asks a simple question.

 _If I asked you to marry me, what would you say?_

She smiles, grabs a pen from her office, then carefully writes three letters on a new Post-It and sticks it on top of the old one.

 _Yes._

**

“I hate being pregnant,” she pouts as she stares down at her protruding stomach.

David contemplates her over the edge of his book. “Yeah, you don’t really glow,” he agrees. “Mostly you just bitch and look at your watch a lot.”

She punches him in the arm. “Hey. Be nice to me. I’m carrying your child _and_ I’m taking time off work to do it.”

“Yeah, my child,” he grumbles. “Who you are dead set on naming _Leonard Horatio_.”

“It’s the only two members of either of our families we actually like,” she justifies.

“Yes. But they also happen to be our grandfathers,” he points out. “There’s a reason the name sounds like it belongs to an eighty-year-old. _It does_.”

“It’s classic.”

“Helene, David is classic. Leonard is just old.”

She sticks her tongue out at him. He clucks his tongue at her. “If only your underlings could see you now.”

“Shut up or I’m naming him Claudio.”

“Could be worse. It could be Leonard.”

He cries when Leonard is (finally) born in November. That, coupled with the fact that it is _her_ eyes staring up from the head she cradles in her arms completely makes up for the last two months of hell.

Leonard is not even two months old when George Kirk is killed in a car crash on the way to the hospital to witness his own son’s birth. He had been a freshman when they were seniors, barely a blip on their radar, but it still hits Helene hard. The thought of gaining a son only to lose David…

Mostly she feels sorry for the little James Kirk who will never have had his father look at him the same way David looks at Leonard.

He doesn’t say anything when she brings Leonard into their room that night and curls up next to him, just wraps his arm around her tightly.

“David, don’t ever leave me,” she says.

He doesn’t promise anything. He just kisses the top of her head and runs a finger along Leonard’s arm.

**

Winona finally moves back to New York the summer before Leonard turns three, with a new fiancé and an empty look in her eye. Even Helene and David can see that she barely looks at little Jimmy, and only then when she absolutely has to.

On Halloween, they run into the two little boys and their nanny while taking Leonard door-to-door in his little skeleton costume. They allow Jim and Leonard to contemplate each other silently for a few minutes before heading off in their respective directions.

At church the next weekend, Jimmy looks happily at Leonard and chirps “Bones!”

The boys are inseparable after that.

**

Something she quickly learns about Jimmy Kirk is that he has the ability to absolutely break her heart.

About a month before Leonard’s sixth birthday, he approaches her in her office, his little school uniform immaculate as he stands as straight as a fidgety five-year-old can manage. “Mrs. McCoy? Are you busy?”

“Of course not, Jimmy,” she finds herself lying. “Come on in.”

“Um,” he says shyly, ducking his head. “I had a question.”

“Go ahead,” she says.

“I was wondering what I should get Bones for his birthday.”

She smiles down at the little boy’s earnest face. “Oh, darling, I’m sure whatever you get him he’ll love.”

“No, it has to be the best,” he insists. “Because everyone is going to buy him cool toys and he’ll like all of them, but I want mine to be his favorite. Because I like Bones the best and I want him to like me the best too.”

Simple words shouldn’t be able to bring down one of the most powerful women in New York like they do. “Oh, Jimmy, he already does.”

The smile that shoots across his face is like the sun. “Really?”

Over a decade later, she’ll sit with her son and tell him “Don’t you ever hurt that boy, Leonard. Don’t ever let him think you don’t love him.” For now, she just forces a smile and says “Really.”

**

Leonard and Jocelyn Darnell playact as boyfriend and girlfriend all through elementary school. He is the spitting image of David, and Jocelyn looks exactly like her mother, something Sophie never hesitates to point out.

“It’s like the universe is righting itself,” she sighs as they watch the two seven-year-olds play together at the park. Helene has to suppress the urge to laugh at the other woman.

Her cell phone beeps merrily from her purse and she glances at Sophie. “I hope you don’t mind if I take this,” she smiles. “It’s my husband.”

She allows herself two seconds to beam under the fury of Sophie’s glare before she clicks the phone open. “Hi, David.” Her glee increases by a tenfold as he speaks. She signs off with a quick “love you” before calling out to her son. “Leonard, your father just called. Jimmy’s back. Do you want to go home so he can come over?”

Leonard is at her side in an instant. “Can we?” he begs.

Helene turns to Sophie, faking concern. “I do hate to leave early, but Jimmy’s been in Italy for almost a month now. They’ve missed each other terribly.”

Her conscience tells her that it’s incredibly immature to feel victorious over something so petty. The rest of her brain blows a raspberry and goes back to drawing a mustache on her mental picture of Sophie Darnell.

**

When Leonard comes home to blushingly inform them that Jocelyn has agreed to be his girlfriend, Helene can’t keep the distaste off her face once he leaves the room. David laughs at her, of course.

“Could be worse,” he tells her. “This relationship could actually _last_.”

“Yeah? And what if it does?” she asks sourly.

“It won’t,” he insists.

“How do you know?”

“Because,” he chuckles. “Have you seen the way Jim looks at him?”

She hasn’t. The next time he comes over, though, David wraps his arms around her from behind. “See what I mean?” She does. He kisses her cheek. “It’s only a matter of time.”

She hadn't thought it was possible to love David any more. But to hear him so happy about the prospect of his son dating his _very male_ best friend...

And he’s right. He always is.

**

She doesn’t want to be at this party. She would rather be working.

Still, she grins and bears it, because Amanda has been working her fingers to the bone to pull it off.

Amanda looks like it too. She’s pale and her face looks tight, but she still flits from guest to guest, making sure everyone feels welcome. Helene sips her champagne and watches her friend. As soon as she approaches, Helene leaps up from her seat and offers it to her.

“Thanks, Helene,” she accepts gratefully, “I’m not myself to-” Then her eyes roll up in her head and she collapses into a tiny heap on the floor.

Helene is screaming for David before she can even think.

The results come back quickly. Cancer.

David kneels before her in their sitting room, his expression serious. “We’re going to get her through this.”

She sobs and he holds her hand. “Why did it have to be her?” she asks him.

“I know,” David says, “It’s not fair. It’s never fair.”

Leonard approaches the pair of them a little while later. He looks nervous, but he still sits carefully next to her and grabs her other hand.

**

The morning David leaves for Los Angeles, he dips her, Hollywood-style, and kisses her until Leonard gags pointedly into his omelet. “We’re close to a breakthrough, my love,” he declares dramatically. “I will see you when I return.”

David goes to Los Angeles and doesn’t come back.

She doesn’t know how to function without David. When she was twenty, she would have been disgusted at the thought of being crippled by the loss of a man. But then, at twenty, she would have never imagined being married to David McCoy.

She feels all the standard clichés, that half of her is missing, like she’s drowning in sorrow, everything. Every morning when she wakes up, she expects to see his rumpled form next to her, only to find empty sheets.

She knows she’ll learn to cope with it eventually. Until then, she throws herself into her work and tries to be there as much as she can for Leonard when all she wants to do is ball up and cry.

**

She moves on. She doesn’t remarry, however. The more dates she goes on, the more it becomes clear: David McCoy was the only one ever stubborn enough to worm his way into her heart. But her life goes on without him.

She watches her son grow into a man. She watches him follow the same path she herself took thirty years before, only with Jim at his side. She watches him marry the boy who had loved him his entire life. She watches them adopt two beautiful children.

When she turns sixty she figures it’s time to pass the torch to Leonard. She’s getting tired, and as much as she wants to be the same girl she was at twenty-five, she knows she’s not. But Leonard has made himself a star in the business world the same way she did, and she knows that her legacy is in good hands.

When she’s diagnosed with ALS three years later, she knows better than to be angry. She’s seen too many good people die too early to think that Death is anything but unfair. She’s been more blessed than most.

She fades slowly. She can tell by Leonard’s face that he wishes he had followed in David’s footsteps instead, so that he could fix her. Instead, he can only sit by and pour money into ALS research and watch the paralysis take hold.

She’s almost sixty-eight, and she knows she’s dying. Leonard and Jim bring the kids, who play obliviously as their parents try to keep a brave face for her. She asks Jim about his campaign, about Leonard’s latest buyout. Finally, Jim kisses her cheek, utters a soft “Goodbye, Helene. Love you,” then ushers the kids out of the room, leaving her alone with Leonard.

“Mom,” he begins, his voice cracking.

“Don’t you start, Leonard,” she admonishes. “This is out of both of our hands. I have no regrets about my life, nor how soon or late it’s ending. So don’t start blaming yourself for something you never had any control over.”

“I don’t want to lose you.”

“Darling,” she sighs. “You were never going to have me forever. One thing your father taught me was to stop being so obsessed with the future that I forgot to look at the _now_. And it could have been worse. I could have never had you. So count your blessings. You’ll see me again someday. I have every faith in that.”

“You’re my hero, Mom,” he gives her a watery smile.

She huffs. “I’d better be.”

**

Her epitaph is only four words.

 _The universe righted itself._

She may not be able to see Sophie Darnell’s face, but imagining it is enough.


	7. The Return

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam leaves the Upper East Side as soon as he can. Six years later, he finds himself back.

Sam’s always known that he’s different than the people of the Upper East Side. Mostly owing to the fact that he doesn’t sneer at anyone who makes less than seven figures a year and that he can’t tell DVF from Old Navy. He thinks he’s probably a lot better than them for this.

As soon as Sam turns eighteen, he packs a bag and leaves New York in the dust. He pauses only to write a vindictive letter to his mother and throw her favorite vase down two flights of stairs.

Then he catches a train.

He’s already in Pennsylvania before he realizes that he never said anything about leaving to Jim. He figures he’ll call him later.

He never does get around to it.

**

Jim comes home from school one day and his brother is gone. Just like that. His clothes are still in his closet, his books are still on their shelves. The only difference is the smug note pinned to the middle of the painting their mother just bought at Sotheby’s.

He reads it and can’t help but think it’s his fault that Sam left.

**

Winona cancels his credit card in a misguided attempt to bring him back. Instead, he chucks the useless piece of plastic in a dumpster along with his dignity. He pawns his cuff links for cash and thinks about what he’s going to do next.

True, he’s never been stranded in Iowa before, but Kirks are nothing if not resourceful. Besides, he kind of likes being in a place where his last name doesn’t earn him piteous looks and the easy way out.

**

After Sam leaves, Winona finds it easier than ever to ignore Jim. Jim is only too happy to oblige, crashing at Bones’ until she goes out of town.

He doesn’t get the idea to move out of the penthouse entirely for another year and a half. He wishes he had thought of it sooner.

**

It’s harder than he expected. Sam’s smart and was always a hard worker when it came to school, but he’s never done a day’s worth of manual labor in his life. Nor has he ever spent the night in a place more infested with fleas than the subway.

But he busts his ass and eventually lands a job as a busboy in Riverside. He figures it’s as good a place to start over as any.

He meets _her_ two weeks after he manages to secure an apartment. He’s finally scrounged up enough money for rent _and_ food, so he ducks into the little store for a few essentials. He brings his meager purchases to the front and promptly drops them when he lays eyes on her.

He’s part of one of the wealthiest families in America. He’s slept with models, actresses, and heiresses alike. He’s never seen anyone as beautiful as Aurelan.

**

He grows to hate Sam. For abandoning him to their mother alone. For taking away the only family he ever had.

There’s still that niggling thought at the back of his head, though. The one that says Jim never did anything to make Sam stay.

**

It’s never easy. Even as the years go by and more money starts coming in, their finances are always tight, especially when Aurelan announces she wants to go back to school. And Sam knows that there’s always an out, that he could always bite the bullet and go back to the Upper East Side, back to his preplanned life and the Ivy League and his shallow friends-

It’s never easy. But every time he looks at Aurelan, every time he catches her chestnut hair in his fingertips, he knows that it’s absolutely worth it.

**

Jim makes it his goal to best Sam at everything. For every A Sam got, Jim gets an A-plus. Every girl Sam slept with, Jim sleeps with, and bags their sisters along the way. Sometimes, if he can count on them to be discreet, he’ll fuck their brothers as well.

For all the attention-grabbing he does, however, his mother still doesn’t even so much as glance his way.

**

He doesn’t talk about his family. Aurelan doesn’t push, but he can see the curiosity in her eyes.

And he wants to tell her. But there’s a big part of his brain that realizes that his life as it is now is the only thing he’s earned on his own before. He can’t help but think that if he tells her about his past, then it will all evaporate.

Family is important to Aurelan. Her mother abandoned her when she was a baby, but she and her father are closer than anyone Sam’s ever seen. It brings up foggy memories of his own father sometimes, and those are the nights Aurelan has to curl tight against him to stop the nightmares.

He’s pretty sure that if he can just keep going like this. At least, until he catches the glint of the ring in the shop window.

The diamond is far from the highest quality. But the emeralds are the exact color of Aurelan’s eyes, and best of all, he can afford it.

When she says yes, Sam is pretty sure he’s the happiest person in the entire universe. He can’t shake the feeling, though, that he now owes her something.

It almost physically hurts him to say it. But he knows it’s right. “I want you to meet my family.”

To her credit, she doesn’t jump up and down like he knows she wants to. But she does raise her eyebrows in delighted surprise before kissing him until he can forget that he’s now roped himself into going back to New York.

**

Aside from Bones and his parents, the Uhuras are probably his favorite people on the Upper East Side. So when they become a part of Jim’s family, it’s the best thing to possibly happen. (At least, until a few months later, when Bones kisses him for the first time).

He doesn’t know if his mother is in this for the long haul, or if this is just another one of her mistakes. But he’ll be damned if he lets his new family go that easily.

He leaves the adoption papers on Zuberi’s desk. Three days later, they’re signed and sealed.

**

Aurelan’s not stupid. When the cab rolls up outside the hotel Sam grew up in, she’s frowning.

“Sam,” she says lightly. “I get the feeling you’ve neglected to tell me something.”

“This isn’t my home anymore,” he grits out. “This isn’t who I am anymore. I couldn’t tell you, Aurelan, because I didn’t want to face it my-”

“Meter’s still running,” the cabbie reminds him. Sam scowls and throws a few bills in his direction before climbing out.

He still can’t tell if Aurelan is angry, but she threads her fingers through his. As he looks up at the towering building, he’s grateful for the support.

The manager at the front desk looks exactly the same. Suspiciously so. There’s a noticeable lack of gray in his hair. He recognizes Sam, though. He almost drops a heavy binder on an underling’s head when he sees him.

“Mister Kirk,” he gasps. “You look-” The man’s eyes rake up and down his form, and Sam has to resist the urge to tug at the zipper of his Target jacket. “Different,” he finishes lamely.

“And you’re the same as ever, Parker,” Sam snaps back irritably. “Is my mother in?”

His brow furrows. “You did not know, Mister Kirk? Your mother and brother moved out of the penthouse nearly a year ago when she got engaged to Zuberi Uhura. They currently reside at his townhouse.”

Sam groans. He can’t afford another cab ride. “Address?” he asks wearily.

By the time they get to the townhouse, Aurelan’s nose is pink and she’s trying valiantly not to look thoroughly miserable. She’s not used to wearing heels, but she had wanted to impress his mother, and he hadn’t had the heart to tell her that nothing short of Prada would do the trick. Sam tries to ignore the sinking feeling in his stomach as he rings the bell.

A tiny maid answers the door. She’s young, and clearly doesn’t recognize him when she says “Deliveries at the back.”

“We’re here to see Winona,” he growls. “Let us in, it’s fucking freezing.”

She looks slightly alarmed. “Mrs. Kirk is out.”

Sam snorts. “Yeah? Well I’m her son. She can let me interfere with her schedule for once in her life.” He tugs Aurelan inside, ignoring the maid’s protests, and up the stairs.

The scene they’re greeted with is… oddly peaceful. Jim’s on the couch with his arm draped around the shoulders of what has to be a grown-up Leonard McCoy, and a thin, elegant girl Sam recognizes as his newest stepsister taps quietly at her cell phone. Jim looks so much like Sam did at seventeen that it’s like a punch to the stomach.

He approaches slowly, and at the clack of Aurelan’s heels against the marble, the girl looks up.

“G, it’s about time you showed, we were starting to…” she trails off, her lips parted in shock as she looks at Sam. Jim cranes his neck to see around Leonard.

“Nyota, what’s-” He stops abruptly and silence falls heavily on the room. Sam manages an awkward wave.

“Hey, little brother.”

Jim is across the room before Sam can even blink. His fist comes so fast that Sam has no hope of stopping it as it crushes into his face.

Aurelan shrieks and immediately tries to look to inspect the damage, but Sam won’t turn toward her, his eyes stuck on Jim’s seething form above him.

“Get out of my house, you bastard,” he spits before storming off to the elevator. Leonard follows quickly behind, calling out his name, opting for the stairs when the elevator doors shut in his face, cursing the entire way.

Sam’s jaw is throbbing, but mostly he’s just confused.

**

Jim feels like an asshole for letting the door close on Bones, so he waits for him at the bottom of the stairs.

He starts to apologize, but Bones just kisses him in the stairwell. “It’s okay. You have every right to be mad,” he says. “Come on. Let’s go to my house.”

He has never, in his entire life, loved anyone more than Leonard McCoy. There is a reason for this.

**

The girl – Nyota – calls for a maid to bring towels and ice for Sam’s face. She sits and watches them silently while Aurelan bats the maid away, seeing to Sam herself. It’s unnerving, having her take in the scene with her dark, unblinking eyes. She’s perfectly poised. It takes nearly five minutes for Sam to notice her hands are shaking slightly.

“Where’s my mom?” he asks thickly.

Her expression does not change. “Winona and my father left to visit my aunt,” she says stiffly. “We’re not expecting them back until tomorrow or the day after that.”

He watches her turn an appraising eye on Aurelan and he instantly feels a wave of dislike wash over him. It’s partly judgmental bitches like her that caused him to leave New York. He wants to jump to Aurelan’s defense, saying she had saved for two months to buy her dress and that was worth more than a thousand couture gowns.

“So…” he says sourly. “You’re my stepsister?”

Her lips press into a thin line. Then she stands up abruptly.

“What are you doing here?” she demands. “You’re not here for your mother. She and my father married over six months ago. And you’re definitely not here for Jim. I want to know why I shouldn’t throw you out onto the street right now.”

Sam can’t figure out why she’s so angry. Aurelan’s fingers tighten on his arm. He looks at her. “I wanted everyone to meet by fiancée,” he says softly.

Nyota’s snap back to Aurelan, but her expression does not change.

“Fine,” she says tersely. “I’ll have the maid make up a room. But there’s no guarantee you won’t get tossed out.”

**

It turns out that Helene had come home early from her trip, so all Jim and Bones can do is lie on top of the covers of the bed until they doze off together.

And oddly, that’s enough.

**

Nyota vanishes after the maid comes to lead them to the guest room. Sam watches as Aurelan’s eyes get wider and wider as they go. She trails her fingers over the sheets and gingerly sets her bag next to the bed as if she’s afraid to muss them. “Sam,” she says in a hushed voice. “You grew up here?”

He closes his eyes and flops down on the bed, allowing himself a moment to be startled by the plushness of the thousand threadcount sheets. “Not here. Our situation wasn’t quite so permanent when I left. We were living in the penthouse of one of Mom’s hotels.”

“How-” she squeezes her eyes shut. “Why didn’t you ever tell me? Was this some… prince and the pauper thing?”

He grabs her hands and pulls her to him. “Aurelan,” he tells her seriously. “Believe me, I left here for a reason. This place is… horrible, and soulless. You’ve had a taste of it already. I hated myself while I lived here. I never told you because I thought that if I didn’t bring it up, the past would stay the past.” His eyes drop to the floor. “But you really wanted to meet my family. And I figured I owed you that much.”

He can hear Aurelan sigh above him and move to sit gingerly on the bed. “Oh, Sam. You didn’t have to bring back painful memories just to satisfy me.”

“Yeah, I did,” he realizes. He turns to smile at her, the first time all evening. “You’re going to be my wife.”

She squeezes his hand. “Yeah. I am.”

**

The next morning, Jim wakes up alone in Bones’ bed save for a note pinned the pillow. If the triple underlined words are any indication, he really wants Jim to call him if there is another run-in with Sam.

He’s not looking for an excuse to punch his brother again. But when he gets back home, Sam’s stuff is still there and Nyota and Gaila are tugging scarves on.

“We’re taking the girl shopping,” Nyota explains. “Her clothes got ruined in the snow yesterday and frankly, they were ugly anyway.”

“Plus, it’s always fun to take the plebes to Barneys,” Gaila giggles. “Their eyes practically bulge out of their heads.”

“And why are they still here?” Jim asks sourly.

“Look, your brother can sleep in the sewer for all I care after what he did to you,” Nyota says dismissively. “But the only thing that poor girl did wrong is have bad taste in men. I couldn’t stand the thought of her sleeping at some Motel 6 or something,” she shudders. “And I figured she wouldn’t stay if your brother didn’t. So I took the lesser of two evils.”

Jim looks at her with a mixture of admiration and confusion. “You know, sometimes, I think you’re the nicest person I know. And then you go and eviscerate some girl at school and I remember you’re really not.”

“It’s a fine line,” Nyota smirks. “I take care of my own. Be grateful you’re one of them.”

And the thing is, he always is.

**

Aurelan’s gone when he wakes up. Jim, however, is right back where he was the night before, on the couch, looking ready to murder someone.

“Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t throw you out right now,” he growls.

“Good to see you’ve developed the classic UES entitled attitude,” Sam snorts. “What gives you the right to throw me out? Last I checked this was my family as well.”

Jim’s eyes flash and he’s on his feet in an instant. “No,” he says firmly, his nostrils flaring. “This is not your family. I earned this family. You gave yours up. You do _not_ belong here, and you are not welcome here.”

Sam opens his mouth to speak, but Jim’s on a roll. “Five years, Sam. That’s how long I had to fend for myself because the only person in the whole world who actually gave a shit about me was Bones. It wasn’t my own mother, and it sure as hell wasn’t my brother, because he didn’t even care enough to stick around until he knew I’d be okay. I wondered what more I could have possibly done to keep you here. To make you stay. For fuck’s sake, I was twelve years old, and I loved you, and you _left_.” Jim scowls down at Sam in disgust. “You think you’re some big hero because you wear JC Penney instead of J. Crew and you work at some factory or whatever. But you’re just as bad as the rest of us. I may be materialistic and vain, Sam. But I’ve never abandoned the people I care about.”

Sam is dumbstruck. For years he’s thought that he was in the right for leaving. That he had to grow up alone, and that Jim would do just fine on his own, the same way he did. Maybe even come out stonger.

Evidently not.

“You have until your girlfriend gets back from shopping with my _sister_ ,” Jim says. Sam doesn’t miss the emphasis on the word sister. “And then I want you gone.”

**

Jim’s on the roof leaving a message for Bones when he hears footsteps behind him. He continues on, studiously ignoring them. “Listen, I don’t want you freaking out. Call me when you get a chance, but it’s not really that urgent. This is mostly just so you know I’m all right. Talk to you later. Love you.”

“Was that Mom?”

Jim snorts. “Yeah, right. She’s getting better at the whole parenting thing, but she’s not _that_ good.”

“Girlfriend, then?”

“Bones,” Jim corrects, jutting out his jaw. He doesn’t miss the slight surprise in Sam’s eyes. “And if you don’t like it, I don’t really care, because I already told you to get the fuck out.”

“Aurelan’s not back yet.” Sam sits next to Jim and Jim scoots away. “So… you and Leonard McCoy.”

“Always has been,” Jim says sullenly, refusing to look at Sam. “But we’ve been dating for real for six months now. No one outside the family knows, though. We’re trying to keep a low profile.”

“This is… a surprise.”

“Wouldn’t have been if you’d been here. Nyota knew before she even moved in. It was pretty obvious on my end.”

Sam sighs. “Look, Jim. I fucked up. I’m not even going to apologize because the full enormity of my fuck-up hasn’t even sunk in yet. But I want you to know that I’m going to try to fix this. I’m not going to abandon you again.”

Jim snorts. “Yeah, I believe that.”

“I’m serious,” Sam insists. “I know you hate me right now. I know it’s deserved. But you know what? I may not have missed New York, but looking at you all grown up makes me miss you. You’re still my little brother, even if you want to see me die in a fire.”

Jim can feel a lump in his throat. He suppresses it mercilessly. “I thought… I thought if you ever left, you’d take me with you, you know? It’s stupid, but I thought I was the one thing you cared about in New York. And then you didn’t even tell me you were going to leave. You just vanished and left me to deal with Mom on my own. It’s going to take a lot of work to get me to like you again. I’ve hated you for almost six years now.”

“Jim,” Sam sighs. “If I have to work every day for the rest of my life to get to that point, it’ll be worth it.”

Jim’s phone buzzes and Bones’ name flashes on the screen. “I have to take this,” Jim mutters. “Look… you don’t have to leave. Your girlfriend deserves more than getting kicked to the curb her second day here.”

The last thing he hears before it’s blocked out by Bones ranting in his ear is a soft, heartfelt, “Thank you.”

**

Sam’s always thought of himself as the hero.

But watching his little brother put on a brave face for his fiancée and for his family, he figures that Jim’s probably the real hero.


	8. Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nyota and Jim celebrate Christmas the only way they know how: by buying ridiculously expensive gifts and going ice skating.

Nyota sighs wistfully as she watches the skaters twirl around on the ice. Spock was supposed to meet her at the rink, but he had to cancel at the last moment, citing an impromptu brunch with his father that he couldn’t refuse. Nyota had told him that it just meant more time for Christmas shopping, but she still feels a little pang of jealously watching the families happily sail around on their skates.

Just as she’s about to leave, her vision is suddenly filled with a grinning blonde almost as bright as the ice. He’s dangling a pair of skates in front of him. Her skates. “Care to join me?” Jim asks.

Nyota laughs happily and takes them from him. “Kirk, you may just be my knight in shining armor.”

“As much as I’d like to take the credit, I can’t,” he says as she slides her feet into the boots. “Spock called. He said, and I quote, that ‘as much as Nyota insists to the contrary, I feel that someone accompanying her to the ice rink would not be unwelcome. See to it that disappointment does not mar her experience with the holiday season.’ So. To sum up, Spock is your bitch, and I’m apparently his. Which is something I really prefer not to think too long about.”

Nyota feels a flood of warmth at Spock’s subtle way of taking care of her. “Be that as it may. You didn’t have to come, and I appreciate it.”

Nyota loses track of time on the ice. Her mother used to take her when she was little, and it’s always been one of her favorite holiday memories. And Jim is just as enthusiastic as she is, twirling, going backward, and falling flat on his backside without shame. By the time they finally drag themselves off the rink, he’s pink-cheeked and his eyes are brighter than ever. “Shopping now?” Nyota invites him. “I still have to pick up a present for Gaila. I was going to head over to Bendels.”

“Oh, I could never say no to Bendels,” Jim says in a falsetto, fluttering his eyelashes. His usual grin returns and he offers his arm. “Lead the way, Sis.”

**

Jim is good company. He keeps up a happy stream of idle chit chat as they meander through endless displays and gives her an honest opinion of everything. By the time they leave the store, Nyota has found the perfect gift for Gaila and she’s flying high on holiday cheer. “Want to stop by somewhere else? I thought you might like to get a present for Winona,” she offers tentatively.

Jim surprises her by ducking his head shyly. “Uh, actually, I already got her something.”

Nyota’s eyebrows shoot up. “Really?”

“Yeah.” He runs a hand through his hair. “I was actually hoping you could help me with part of it. It’s just- she’s been trying really hard lately, you know? It doesn’t make up for the seventeen years of hell she put me through, but… I feel like I should let her know I appreciate it.”

“Why, Jim Kirk,” she smiles. “You really have grown up.” She pulls him in for a hug, not caring when she sees a cell phone in her peripheral vision. “Come on. Let’s go home so you can show me this present.”

**

“Bones and I were going through a stack of old pictures in David’s office a few months back,” Jim explains as he roots through his own desk. “And we came across a couple of pictures from when we were toddlers. So we had this idea that we could frame those pictures alongside ones from this year and give them to our moms. Aha!” He brandishes a photo in his hand and heads over to where Nyota is perched on his bed. “Bones’ is from Halloween because Helene was there. This is from right before my third birthday.”

Nyota takes the photo carefully and stares. Toddler versions of Len and Jim sit at a much younger Winona’s feet, who looks as regal as a queen as she sits with a straight back and a half smile. Jim digs a bag from Saks out of his closet and pulls out a silver photo frame with two sides and slides the photo in one of them. “So I was hoping you’d have a couple of pictures of me and Bones for us to put in the other sides?”

And she instantly knows the perfect one. Jim and Len, wrapped up in the same scarf, Len rolling his eyes to the heavens at some lame joke Jim had told while Jim gives the camera a joyful grin. “I think I just might,” Nyota says, heading for her computer.

**

The twenty-second finds Nyota squeezed on the couch with her head on Spock’s shoulder and Gaila’s feet in her lap. Len and Jim sit across from them, bickering and being generally adorable. It’s been their tradition for as long as Nyota can remember: opening presents three days before Christmas because half of them were usually gone with their families the day of, and Jim and Gaila were always too impatient to wait.

That much certainly hasn’t changed. Jim has already started to fidget. “Presents?” he finally bursts out.

“Wow, Jim,” Len rolls his eyes. “You really have grown up. You waited a whole five minutes longer this year.”

“Six point three five seven minutes, to be exact,” Spock pronounces solemnly, but Nyota can see the tilt to his lips indicating amusement. It makes her snuggle deeper into his shoulder.

“All right, Computer, you’re up first then,” Jim scowls and tosses Nyota’s gift over before leaning over and blowing a raspberry squarely in Len’s neck. As he squawks in indignation, Nyota watches Spock carefully unwrap the black and gray Hermès scarf and trail his fingers over the silk and cashmere.

“Thank you, Nyota,” he says. “The color ensures that I can wear this with almost anything all winter. It is a very practical gift.” It’s about as close to raving as Spock ever gets.

She smiles up at him. “I love you.”

His response is soft, but no less sincere. “And I love you, Nyota.”

**

The change is noticeable in their family celebration this year, and not just because they can honestly be called a _family_ now. Sam calls and there is no shouting. Jim jokes around with her father and doesn’t actively avoid his mother, and Winona smiles a lot more and makes tentative affectionate gestures toward her son. When he hands his gift over, she insists he sit next to her.

Her eyes mist over when she sees the contents. “Oh, Jim.”

“Bones gave one like it to his mom, but Halloween themed. Nyota helped by giving us the pictures from this year,” Jim explains. “Do you like it?” She opts to hug him rather than put it into words. Jim looks confused for a split second before wrapping his arms around her in return.

**

Later that night, she hears a soft knock at her door. Jim enters, and Nyota’s eyebrows shoot to her hairline. “Wow, did Santa bring you politeness for Christmas or something? Since when do you knock?” Jim sticks his tongue out at her like the mature manchild he is and plops on her bed.

“I wanted to show you something,” he says handing her something. “My mom gave it to me after dinner.” It’s another old photo. But this one is of a very pregnant Winona, a small blonde child that can only be Sam, and a man Nyota has never seen before but instantly recognizes.

“Your dad?” she breathes.

“Yeah. My grandmother hid it from my mom after he died and she destroyed all his pictures. Good thing, too. Winona says it’s still a little hard to look at.”

And then she remembers. Jim’s birthday is the fourth of January. His family is sitting next to a Christmas tree.

“So this was taken-”

“Two weeks before he died. Yeah.”

Nyota presses her lips together to prevent any noticeable trembling. “I’m sorry, Jim.”

“Don’t be.” Jim says, and he sounds like he actually means it. “I’m not gonna lie, it sucks that he’s not here today. It sucks that David isn’t here. But if they were, I would still be pining over Bones and you wouldn’t be my sister. I have to believe that these things happen for a reason, you know?”

Nyota remembers the day her mother was arrested for embezzlement and draws her knees up to her chin. Spock had come over that day to hold her hand and tell her that he sincerely believed it was the best possible outcome for the welfare of herself and her father. Two weeks later, she kissed him for the first time.

“Yeah, I do.”

It’s not the best Christmas ever. David and George are still dead. She hasn’t seen her mother in six months. Sam’s sudden reappearance is still messing with Jim’s head. But all things considered, it’s not half bad.

“Merry Christmas, Jim.”

He smiles and kisses her cheek. “Merry Christmas, Nyota.”


	9. The Ex

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leo always made Jocelyn feel like a princess. Too bad she's not the protagonist of his story.

They don’t meet on the first day of kindergarten, but it’s the first time Jocelyn approaches him on his own.

“Hi,” she says shyly. “You’re cute. Will you be my boyfriend?”

And he is cute. She likes the way his brow crunches up. “What do I have to do?” he asks.

Jocelyn thinks about her older sister and the boy she brings home sometimes after school. “I think we hold hands,” she says seriously. “And sometimes we share our ice cream.”

Lenny thinks about it for a moment, then shrugs. “Okay. I can do that.”

Jimmy Kirk gives her a dirty look across the classroom later that day, but she’s happy so she doesn’t care. She wants a special name for her boyfriend, one no one else uses.

She decides to call him Leo.

**

She doesn’t know why Leo just doesn’t get a _move on_.

Jocelyn is pretty sure she’s the only girl in the entire eighth grade who hasn’t had her first kiss yet, and it’s all his fault. And the thing that sucks the most is that she really _could_ have had her first kiss already. She’s not ugly, no matter what Leo’s stupid best friend says. But she really, really wants her first kiss to be from _Leo_.

They’ve been dancing around each other for years now, and Jocelyn just wants them to be official already. But for all his bluster, Leo’s a bit shy, and that’s one of the things Jocelyn loves about him. Her day wouldn’t be completely with that small smile he shoots at her from across homeroom.

That doesn’t mean it doesn’t drive her crazy, however.

So she grins and bears the New Year’s party while Leo blushes and stutters at her side and she pretends not to notice anything out of the ordinary. It’s what she expected, so she’s not disappointed.

What she doesn’t expect is for him to kiss her at midnight.

So when he does, she feels like a princess.

**

Sometimes, she really wants to kill Jim Kirk.

Contrary to what Gaila and Nyota think, Jocelyn is not dumb. And Kirk is not perfectly subtle. Jocelyn’s caught him staring at her boyfriend for a bit too long on many occasions, and it makes her stomach churn every time.

Because she’s starting to think that she stands no chance against him. Which is _weird_ , and stupid, because she already _has_ Leo and he loves her. Plus, she’s got boobs. Sort of.

But sometimes she catches Leo staring back.

The summer before her junior year is the worst in her memory to date because she can already feel him slipping away, even if Leo doesn’t realize it yet.

**

She doesn’t know why she does it.

She’s gotten progressively more bitchy to Leo’s friends over the course of the year. She knows Nyota is just waiting for an excuse to crush her under the heel of her Louboutins but she can’t force herself to care. Jocelyn’s starting to realize that to everyone else, _she’s_ the bad guy in this story, the obstacle to remove so the heroes can live happily ever after, and it makes her see red. On Halloween, she curtly informs a confused Leo that she won’t be coming to Nyota’s party and that they can meet up later.

Then she heads over to the West Side.

She gets drunk almost immediately and ends up making out with Clay Treadway and following him back to his room.

After it’s over, she passes out on his bed and wonders if the night could possibly get any worse.

**

It can, and it does.

She wakes up to a text from Leo with just two words: _It’s over_.

She tears downstairs and calls him in a panic, ignoring the pain in her head, and pleads with him for twenty minutes for a second chance before he finally hangs up on her.

She’s still crying when Clay toddles down the stairs, rubbing his head. “Joce,” he says, immediately rushing somewhat unsteadily to her side. “Oh my god, Joce, I am so sorry.”

“Don’t,” she sobs. “Don’t say anything. Everything’s ruined.”

“Just explain it to him,” Clay attempts to console her. “Tell him you were drunk, that it was just a mistake. I’m sure he’ll understand eventually.”

But she knows that he won’t. Leo is nothing if not honest and faithful to the core, and she knows just how much she’s hurt him by doing this. Even if she knows it’s only a matter of time before he realizes he’s in love with someone else, there’s no justification for betraying him like this. She feels sick, and not just because of the hangover. Jocelyn has never hated herself before. She doesn’t like the feeling.

**

It has to get worse before it can get better. She transfers to York after Nyota threatens to destroy her and tries to get used to the word _slut_ seemingly branded into her forehead. She knows she deserves it, but that doesn’t make it any easier to endure.

So after the disastrous brunch, she drops off the radar, willingly. She just wants to make it out of high school alive and go from there.

It means she can evaluate herself for what Constance truly made her: a jealous, conniving bitch. She went from being the princess to being the evil crone in less than six months. It’s no wonder she lost Leo, when she thinks about it. She wasn’t the girl he had fallen in love with when he was fourteen. And he wasn’t the same boy either.

She really does hope that everything worked out for the best for him. She’s not stupid enough to wish for a second chance, not after what she did and not when Jim Kirk is waiting next in line. But she still misses him.

**

After graduation and the ensuing shitstorm after Gossip Girl finds out about Leo and Jim, Jocelyn finds herself standing awkwardly in front of Leo’s house. She’s wearing a floppy hat to cover her face from prying eyes and she’s not dressed any nicer than usual. She’s not looking to make a good impression.

It doesn’t matter, because Helene is the one to come to the door. Jocelyn doesn’t miss the way her eyes are slightly narrowed, but her voice is still friendly. “What can I do for you, Jocelyn?”

“Um, I wanted to give Leo this,” Jocelyn stammers, holding it out. “It’s a congratulations card. I heard he got into Princeton, and I wanted to wish him luck.” She sees the way Helene eyes it warily. “Oh, don’t worry, my mom’s not trying to push us back together again,” she assures her. Helene’s lips quirk. “I just… I never got to say sorry for what I did. And Leo is too good of a guy to not say sorry to.”

Helene takes the card. “I’ll make sure he gets it,” she tells Jocelyn. Her tone is a lot warmer, and Jocelyn feels a wave of relief. “Was there anything else you needed, dear?”

“Yes.” Jocelyn stands up straight. “Tell Jim that if he hurts Leo I will personally kick his ass, ma’am. I didn’t go through a year and a half of self-loathing for him to screw it up.”

Helene throws her head back and laughs at that. And Jocelyn knows she was never Mrs. McCoy’s favorite, but she also knows there is a reason why she’ll always love her.

**

Her mother starts making noises when her second semester at NYU begins to find a new boyfriend, but Jocelyn honestly couldn’t care less. She’s got a chance at a truly fresh start, and she’s not going to waste it on rich boys with a hidden agenda.

Luckily, Ben Rodriguez is not a rich boy.

Instead, he’s a kid from Brooklyn with dark eyes and a smartass streak a mile wide. He’s an English major, same as she is, and she fights with him about Dickens for an hour over lunch the day she meets him.

They become good friends over the course of the semester. When finals start approaching, she invites him to her house for a study session. Ben raises an eyebrow at the opulent surroundings, and Jocelyn grins at him. “Want to make my mom have an aneurysm?” she offers. “Follow my lead.”

She grabs his hand and hauls him into the sitting room. “Mother, this is my boyfriend,” she says with a huge grin. “His name is Ben.”

Ben slouches next to her and shoots an exaggerated leer at her mother. “Yo, Mrs. D.”

**

Her reaction is even better when they start dating for real six months later.

**

She’s watching Ben and Felicity play in the park when she hears the voice behind her. “Jocelyn?”

She turns and sees a face she’s only seen in the news since she was sixteen. “Hi, Leo.” She tucks her off-brand shoes out of sight, a habit when she runs into old UESers. “It’s been a while.”

Leo gives a little laugh. “Yeah. Mind if I sit?”

Jocelyn shakes her head, and he sits on the bench next to her. “So what are you doing here?” they ask at the same time, then laugh awkwardly.

“Um, I’m in the area looking at some properties,” Leo says. “I was supposed to meet Jim here, but he ran into traffic. You?”

Jocelyn gestures over to Fee and Ben. Ben has the two-year-old on his shoulders, spinning around, and she’s laughing with glee.

“She yours?” Leo asks in surprise.

“Yup,” Jocelyn says proudly. “Felicity Ann Rodriguez. Mom almost died of shame when I took Ben’s name.”

“Rodriguez?” Leo’s brow furrows. “What is he, new money?”

“No money,” Jocelyn corrects. “Didn’t you hear? I’m an official societal outcast now. Dad wouldn’t let Mom disown me, but she did cut me off. So until they drop dead, I’m one of the lower caste.”

“Well, I’ll be damned,” Leo whistles. “Joce, you’ve really grown up. I never expected you to be the one to pull the Reverse Cinderella and give up everything.”

“At the risk of sounding painfully cliché, he _is_ everything,” Jocelyn says, ducking her head. “ _They’re_ everything. It’s been hard, but I’d make the same decision a thousand times over.”

“I’m glad he makes you happy, Joce,” Leo says, and he sounds sincere, but then he grins. “Even if he is a Poor.”

Jocelyn rolls her eyes good-naturedly. “He doesn’t make me feel like a princess, that’s for sure,” she acknowledges. “But you know? He does make me feel like a heroine.”

They sit in quiet companionship for several minutes. It’s not as uncomfortable as she would have thought.

“You know, my mom did give me that card you sent," Leo says a while later. "I can't believe even _you_ could see what I couldn't." He swallows. "I never would have realized I was falling for Jim if I hadn't kissed him the night you cheated on me. So I guess what I'm trying to say is... I forgive you. And maybe you had reason to be upset. Has to be hard to see your boyfriend falling in love with someone else."

“Still with Jim, then?” she smiles, even though she knows the answer.

“Yeah,” Leo smiles. "Ten years. It always was us, from the very beginning.”

“Not quite,” Jocelyn looks down at her lap. “But it was always _going_ to be you two.”

And seeing Leo again makes her realize that she’s okay with just being a stepping stone to greater things for him. Because maybe, she thinks, he was a stepping stone for her too. As Ben catches her eye from across the park, she’s knows she’s right.


End file.
